Forgiving Rollins
by RollisiFanGirl
Summary: This is based on the episode. The annual police conference is held in New York. A young detective is raped by the deputy chief of Atlanta PD, and the secrets Amanda tried to hide come to light.
1. Chapter 1

**A/n: Hi, guys! I hope you enjoy this chapter! This story is based off of Forgiving Rollins! Comments, observations, and suggestions are always appreciated! Thank you so much for reading! : )**

* * *

"You're late again," Lieutenant Benson informed Detective Rollins. The lieutenant didn't seem the least bit surprised. Rollins removed her sunglasses.

"Sorry. I had to take Frannie to the vet. She ate some chocolate," Rollins apologized. Benson ignored her excuse, unsure if it was true or not. She could never tell with Rollins.

Lieutenant Benson had been giving Rollins the cold shoulder for a while now. It was clear to everyone on the squad that the two women were not friends. They were hardly acquaintances, and that was only because they worked together. In fact, if they weren't so short staffed, Benson would've had Rollins transferred two and a half months ago. Everyone in the squad thought Benson was unfair to Rollins, but no one spoke up. No one knew the full story, and they didn't want to pry.

The squad was made to believe that Rollins took an undercover job. In reality, Rollins had been caught gambling at an illegal club. The people in charge found out she was a detective and used it as leverage. She was ordered to commit multiple crimes to keep her secret. She was willing to put herself on the line, but she made it clear she wouldn't do anything that would get somebody hurt. Unfortunately, she unknowingly fixed a rape case. Detectives Fin and Amaro found out about her stealing a gun from evidence and, as difficult as it was, they had to report it to their lieutenant. At the last moment, Lieutenant Declan Murphy covered for Detective Rollins, preventing her from going to prison and helping her keep her shield. Benson was then informed of the terrible acts that had taken place and was ordered to cover for Rollins, saying she had been working undercover. It had been almost three months, and Benson had yet to forgive Rollins.

Detective Amanda Rollins was not a dirty cop. She messed up, but did a few screw ups define a person? Everyday, she regretted that dark time. It kept her up at night, and it confirmed that she deserved everything that happened to her. She messed up, but she was not a screw up. Amanda was beyond grateful to still have a job, and she was grateful she wasn't transferred, even if Lieutenant Benson wasn't. Detective Rollins loved working for NYPD, and she couldn't imagine her life without her job.

Amanda Rollins moved to Manhattan, New York a couple of years ago. She transferred from Atlanta PD after an incident took place. That's all the squad knew. They didn't know what specifically had taken place, and they were oblivious to all the other incidents that lead up to the last one. All they knew was that something happened, and Rollins needed to transfer. They figured it had to do with precincts being short staffed or with her not having a good relationship with her family. While the second part was true, it was not the reason Amanda left Atlanta. She didn't plan on sharing the real reason why she left anytime soon. She would rather forget about it. However, she was learning that pretending nothing happened didn't actually make it go away.

Detective Fin had been Amanda's partner since she transferred. The two were like brother and sister. They always had each other's back. Fin looked out for Amanda, and he knew Amanda wouldn't betray him ever. He was the only person in the squad Amanda felt comfortable with alone. They were friends whose foundation was built on loyalty.

Detective Dominick Carisi Jr. had taken Detective Nick Amaro's place when Amaro transferred about a month ago. Carisi told the squad to call him Sonny, but no one ever did. Sonny was a fitting name though, seeing as he was always smiling. He always brought doughnuts or ordered Italian food for the squad. The squad hadn't totally warmed him to up though as he was still getting the hang of how things worked at SVU. However, his oblivion prevented him from seeing that the squad had yet to fully accept him.

If anyone could understand Rollins' situation, it was Lieutenant Benson. However, Benson didn't know the half of Rollins' situation. The two had never seen eye to eye, but up until recently, they were able to work together. After Benson was promoted, tension increased between the two, but it still worked out okay. That is, until Amanda was caught gambling at the illegal club. After that, any chance of a friendship between the two women had seemingly gone out the window. Lieutenant Benson had been through the wringer.

Olivia Margaret Benson was born nine months after her mother was raped. Serena struggled to raise her daughter properly as she never got the help she needed after being raped. She eventually turned to alcohol. The mother-daughter relationship was tense. They tried to make it work, but struggled to succeed. Olivia had been through a lot on her job as well. She had been assaulted and held hostage, and she simply wanted to prove that she was not a victim. She preferred to keep her past private, much like Amanda, who rarely revealed details about herself. If Olivia and Amanda had taken the time to get to know each other, they would've realized they were actually a lot alike.

"So you had to take Frannie to the vet?" Fin questioned when Amanda sat down at her desk. She nodded hesitantly. She knew Fin didn't believe her, but she was going to stick to her story anyway.

"She, uh, ate some chocolate," Amanda quietly responded. She knew she didn't sound very convincing, but she also knew Fin wouldn't pry.

"Yeah?" Fin asked, obviously not buying Amanda's story.

"Fin, I'm fine," the young blonde tried to assure him. Fin turned his attention back to his computer screen, knowing the younger detective was not going to tell the truth or give any details about her feelings. Amanda was grateful to have a partner who knew when to stop prying.

"I brought doughnuts," Carisi announced upon entering the precinct. He was late, and the lieutenant would inform him of it because he's new to SVU, but she wouldn't be too bothered. The only time being late seemed to be a real problem was when Amanda was late. Olivia glanced over at the doughnuts, but she didn't grab one.

"Carisi, you really shouldn't be late over doughnuts," Benson scolded.

"Sorry, Lieutenant. Won't happen again," Carisi promised before taking a bite of a chocolate bar doughnut. Amanda's stomach growled, reminding her she hadn't eaten breakfast. She grabbed a glazed doughnut and set it on a napkin on her desk.

"Thanks, Carisi," Amanda smiled. Carisi was still learning the ropes, and the squad was still getting used to him, but it was times like these that Amanda was grateful for the new guy. She was grateful that he was there because then, Benson had somebody other than Amanda to reprimand.

"No problem," Carisi smiled back. He seemed oblivious to the fact that the squad was still warming up to him.

"If everyone could work instead of eat, that would be great," Benson stated, annoyance evident in her tone, before heading to her office and closing the door.

"What's got her in a mood?" Carisi wondered.

"Liv has to do a speech for the annual police conference coming up," Fin explained.

"Is the conference opened to the public?" Carisi asked curiously.

"Nah, it's just for police officers," Fin answered.

"Okay, so there's only, what? Fifty cops? A hundred?" Carisi questioned.

"More like four hundred. Police departments all over the country send cops to attend this conference," Fin said.

"You've never been to the conference?" Amanda asked, surprised.

"Nah. Only the lieutenant and sergeant of my precinct attended it. We were allowed to go too, but we usually chose not to," Carisi explained.

"It's quite an event. Liv speaks at it every year," Fin informed him. Carisi nodded.

"So, Amanda? You lookin' forward to seeing your old colleagues from Atlanta?" Fin asked. Amanda shrugged. She wished Fin hadn't brought up Atlanta. She didn't like talking about it.

"Eh, not really. I try to keep a distance from Georgia, so the sooner they all leave, the better," Amanda answered, not making eye contact.

"What's wrong with Georgia?" Carisi questioned.

"It's a boys' club down at APD," Amanda vaguely admitted. Her gaze was on her hands, not comfortable enough to look at anyone.

Amanda had always referred to Atlanta Police Department as a boys' club. Very few women worked at APD, and Amanda was the only woman in her precinct. She wasn't well respected there because she was a woman. After her incident, she was labeled as "The Slut of APD". She transferred to New York Police Department a few weeks later.

Things were definitely better in New York. She didn't talk to her family much, and the nightmares had stopped for the most part. With the conference so near, the nightmares had returned, but Amanda knew they would stop soon after the conference. She didn't have much to complain about in New York. Sure, her boss despised her, but at least she didn't have to fear that her boss would sexually harass or assault her. Besides, Amanda loved New York. She loved taking Frannie on walks. She loved having better colleagues in her squad than in Atlanta. She loved her job. She was pretty much on her own. She distanced herself from her family, and she had no friends in Atlanta or Loganville, her hometown. Her only real friend was Fin, and she only trusted him so much. She wasn't willing to confide in him about what really happened in Atlanta. She didn't like talking about her past. She didn't trust easily.

Carisi could sense something was wrong with Amanda, but he figured he was overreacting. He was new to SVU and didn't really know how to read the detectives yet.

"So, you never visit? You know, to see your family and such?" Carisi questioned.

"No. I stay out of Georgia as much as I can," Rollins admitted. She didn't explain why. She never had, and she didn't think she ever would. They didn't need to know why she didn't like visiting Georgia.

* * *

Amanda jolted awake. Her breathing was heavy as she looked around her bedroom. She sighed in relief as she realized it was only a nightmare. Well, it was a memory in the form of a nightmare. Amanda didn't have nightmares often, but when she did, they were vivid and awful.

Amanda left her past in Georgia. At least, she tried to. She pretended nothing bad happened in Atlanta. Pretending her past didn't happen didn't make it go away, but she preferred to push it all down anyway. No one needed to know about her past, and she certainly didn't want to think about it.

One tear slipped from Amanda's eye, but she was quick to wipe it away. _You're tougher than that_, Amanda thought to herself. Glancing at her clock, she realized she had to get up in fifteen minutes. She decided to get up early and take a shower. Her nightmares re traumatized her every single time, and she had to take a long shower to feel clean again.

After her too hot and too long shower, she felt better. She felt cleaner. She got dressed and curled her hair before applying some make up to her face. Her mind wandered to that time in Atlanta when her make up was used to hide a bruise inflicted on her by someone she should've been able to trust. Now, she was applying make up so she would feel a little prettier. She was grateful that her make up was now used to hide insecurities instead of bruises. She studied her reflection and was unsatisfied. She wasn't as thin as she'd like to be, and her face had more flaws than she'd like to see. She applied extra foundation under her eyes in an attempt to hide the bags that indicated her exhaustion. After deciding she looked good enough for the day, she headed to the kitchen to make herself some coffee.

As Amanda drank her third cup of coffee, she wondered if there was enough caffeine in the world to get her through the day. One cup of coffee was usually enough to wake Amanda up in the morning, but when she was emotionally drained, she needed at least two before she could even think about driving to work. Today was the first day of the two day annual police conference, and Amanda knew she was going to be re traumatized with memories from Georgia when she saw the officers from APD. All the officers of APD believed she was a slut. The thing is, she wasn't, and it didn't matter how much she claimed she didn't want it. They would never believe her over a male superior. There was a reason she called APD a "boys' club".

Amanda arrived at the conference, which was held in a hotel not too far from her apartment. She glanced at her phone. It was ten-thirty, and this conference would last all day. She walked around cautiously, not wanting to see any cop from APD. She dreaded seeing her captain and the deputy chief more than anything. She wasn't ready to hear their snide comments, and she worried some rumor would get around to her squad about her being a slut. The last thing she needed was for her boss to have another reason to hate her and her squad to think she wanted what happened. Of course, the squad didn't know anything happened at all, but she feared a rumor would make them think she slept around.

Logically, Amanda knew Carisi and Fin would believe her if she told them the truth about the main reason she left Atlanta. However, them believing her didn't mean they wouldn't think it was her fault. Amanda wasn't completely sure if it was her fault. She didn't want what happened. She made that clear. However, she would always blame herself for walking into the situation; she should've been smarter. She should've known better. She couldn't change what happened, but the goal was now to make sure her colleagues didn't know her past. She didn't want them to think less of her than they already probably thought.

Confiding in Olivia wasn't even a thought. Amanda had intentions to never tell her lieutenant what went down in Atlanta. Benson seemed to despise Amanda enough as it was. Amanda didn't need Benson thinking of her as less than she definitely already thought. Besides, Olivia would probably never believe Amanda anyway. Olivia would judge her and verbally harass her for what happened back in Atlanta. Nobody in Atlanta believed Amanda when she tried to report the sexual harassment that escalated into sexual abuse. Olivia was still holding a grudge against Amanda for what happened when she was caught gambling at the illegal club. Olivia wouldn't be forgiving Rollins anytime soon.

Amanda tried to push away her dark thoughts, and she tried to forget about her fears. She just wanted to concentrate on the speeches and presentations being given by the superior officers of different departments. She was learning a lot and actually beginning to relax when the conference was put on pause for lunch. The hotel was kind enough to provide lunch for the police departments. As Amanda served herself a plate of food, she hoped no one noticed how she flinched whenever someone near her moved their hands.

_I guess I'm a little more nervous than I thought_, Amanda considered. The truth was she _was_ nervous, even a little scared, though she didn't want to admit it. She feared that rumors from Atlanta would float around and spread to the other departments. She worried that she would have to force a smile and have a conversation with Deputy Chief Patton or Captain Reynolds. She tried to silence the fearful thought that the deputy chief or the captain would try something. She certainly did not want a repeat of what happened to her in Atlanta.

Amanda found her partner, standing alone, and felt relieved. She felt safest around Fin. He always had her back no matter what. She approached Fin and offered him a smile.

"What? You don't wanna talk to your fellow officers?" Amanda teased his isolation.

"I've been listening to them talk all morning," Fin responded. Carisi and Olivia approached the two detectives. They sure were an interesting squad. The other squads seemed to disperse and talk to other officers from different departments, but the SVU squad preferred to stick with each other. Don't get them wrong; they were more than happy to speak with other officers, but they usually didn't completely separate.

When Carisi and Olivia approached Fin and Amanda, Carisi stood right in front of Amanda. Fin and Liv noticed the blonde detective step back, as though she didn't like Carisi standing so close. Fin shrugged it off, figuring Carisi just got into Amanda's personal space. It's not as though it was unlike Carisi to overstep boundaries or get into the personal space of others. He wasn't a jerk; he just lacked self-awareness. Olivia studied Amanda for a second before dismissing it, deciding it didn't matter. In fact, Olivia rolled her eyes as though Amanda were acting like a snob for refusing to stand too close to her squad. If Olivia had understood what was racing through Amanda's mind, she would've understood that Amanda was afraid, that she felt unsafe with men too close to her, especially during the annual police conference.

Amanda's fear of being near Patton became reality a minute later. He approached the squad with a young blonde detective that almost resembled Special Victims Unit's blonde detective. Almost. Both the deputy Chief and the young detective had glasses of champagne.

"Beautiful city you've got here," Patton smiled. His smile made Amanda feel physically sick.

"Even when it isn't," Olivia joked.

"Speaking of beautiful things, nice to see you, Amanda," Patton grinned, knowing he was causing Amanda to feel uncomfortable.

"Nice to see you too," Amanda forced a smile. She tried to ignore the memories of sexual abuse racing through her mind.

"Broke my heart to let this one go. Y'all have a real winner with her," Patton complimented.

"We know," Fin agreed, somewhat sensing Amanda's discomfort.

"Oh, this is Detective Taymor. It's her first conference," Patton introduced the young detective. Amanda couldn't help but notice the way Patton rubbed Taymor's arm. She hoped the younger detective wasn't harassed the way she had been, and she pushed away anything thoughts that told her otherwise. However, deep down, Amanda knew that even if Detective Taymor wasn't being harassed, it was only a matter of time.

"Ah, well, welcome to New York," Olivia smiled, shaking the young woman's hand.

"Just like the song," Taymor smiled. Her blue eyes were bright and filled with life. Amanda's eyes used to be like that. That's how she knew Patton hadn't hurt the younger detective yet. She couldn't have been older than twenty-four. Amanda tried to push away the thoughts that suggested Taymor would have to face sexual abuse from her boss.

Amanda's blue eyes had once resembled Reese Taymor's very much. She had once been happy. Her eyes had once matched her smile. Her eyes had once been filled with life and hope instead of dread and despair. Now, Amanda's blue eyes resembled brokenness and pain. Working as a sex crimes detective for so long, Amanda knew that an authority figure typically targeted more than one person, but she so hoped that wasn't the case with Patton. She hoped no one else would be victimized by him.

Amanda was unable to focus on the conversation. Carisi was asking Taymor what song resembled being welcomed to New York when Amanda excused herself to use the bathroom. In the bathroom, Amanda stared at herself in the mirror, desperately trying to hold back the tears. She didn't want to remember the sexual abuse that took place back in Atlanta at the hands of her deputy chief and captain, but she couldn't forget. She had tried to forget with alcohol, gambling, and work. So far, nothing helped her to forget long enough. She took a shaky breath, fighting back the tears and memories. When she was finally able to control her emotions, she took a deep breath and exited the bathroom. As soon as she left the bathroom, she came face to face with her former boss.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/n: hi, guys! I hope you are enjoying this story so far! Comments, observations, and suggestions are always welcomed and appreciated! Please, let me know what you think! I hope you enjoy this chapter, and thank you for reading! Have a nice day! : )**

* * *

"Hello, Darlin'," Deputy Chief Patton grinned. Amanda found herself with her back against a wall as she struggled to find her voice. Patton caressed her cheek, and she flinched at the contact.

Most people viewed Amanda Rollins as a tough detective who feared nothing and never backed down. She wasn't afraid of criminals, and she trusted her abilities as a fighter in the event that a criminal had her cornered. However, when it came to Deputy Chief Patton and Captain Reynolds, that tough, fearless woman seemed to disappear out of thin air. Suddenly, she was almost a different person. It may have been out of character, but she was scared of her former superiors. She could take down the most evil criminals, but she could never stand up to her own abusers, and she hated herself for it.

"I sure have missed you. You sure you don't wanna transfer back to Atlanta PD?" Patton asked, giving her a wink. He knew he frightened her, and he wasn't the least bit ashamed.

"I'm sure," Amanda spat.

"Well, maybe after the conference tonight, you and I can go get a drink," Patton suggested.

"No, thanks," Amanda said through grit teeth, trying to sound tough and angry. She actually felt very afraid. She tried to leave, but he shoved her back against the wall. She let out a gasp of surprise and fright. He couldn't hurt her right here, could he? Not in the middle of a police conference. Other cops would hear her if she screamed, wouldn't they? It didn't matter. No one ever rescued her when she asked for help anyway.

"Well, we'll see about that. You know I don't take 'no' for an answer," Patton taunted, lightly tapping her nose. Patton ran his hand down Amanda's side, resting it on her lower backside. She moved away from the contact.

"Don't touch me," she mumbled. He gave Amanda's bottom a tight squeeze.. Then, he ran his hand over her thigh. She wanted to vomit.

"You're such a beauty. I'll see you around," Patton grinned, caressing her cheek. With that, he turned and entered the men's bathroom.

Amanda felt like she needed a shower. She entered the women's bathroom again, feeling the tears well up in her eyes. Why didn't he listen when she made it clear she didn't want him touching her? Amanda wiped the one tear that managed to escape her left eye. She took a minute to compose herself again before exiting the bathroom and joining her squad again.

"Hey, Amanda," Fin greeted when the blonde detective reached her squad.

"Have you had the chance to catch up with any of the other APD officers?" Olivia asked.

"Um, no. I haven't," Amanda answered quietly.

"Well, Detective Taymor seems nice," Fin stated.

"Yeah. Chief Patton seems nice too," Carisi chimed in. Amanda inhaled sharply at the mention of her former boss's name. She didn't think anybody noticed, but she saw Carisi cast her a concerned look. She looked away from him. As the squad spoke to each other, Amanda didn't pay any attention to the conversation. She picked at her food, taking a bite once in a while.

Fin noticed the change in his partner's behavior since she returned from the bathroom. However, he knew she wouldn't want to talk about it, so he pretended to ignore it for her sake. Olivia wasn't paying any attention to Amanda. She didn't notice a change in Amanda's mood, and, even if she did, she probably wouldn't care. She had been so bitter towards the younger detective the last couple of months. Besides, nobody ever seemed to notice the blonde detective's pain. Carisi, however, noticed the change in Amanda's behavior since she returned from the bathroom.

He noticed how she flinched whenever Fin or himself lifted a hand. He noticed how she didn't join in on the conversation. He noticed how she picked at her food, barely eating any of it. He noticed the sadness in her eyes that she she tried to cover up with the occasional smile. He noticed.

* * *

When Amanda got back to her apartment, she went straight to the bathroom to shower. She felt disgusted that Chief Patton had touched her after she made it clear she didn't appreciate the physical contact. She was dreading the conference for tomorrow, but she was relieved it would be over after that. APD was staying in New York for an extra few days, but the conference would be over, and Amanda most likely wouldn't be running into them. Patton would soon return to Atlanta, and Amanda could go on with her life, pretending that nothing happened.

As she showered, the horrific things Patton had done to her back in Atlanta replayed in her mind. She felt like throwing up. She was so disgusted with herself.

_How could I have let that happen?_ Amanda thought. She scrubbed her body so hard her skin was red. It also turned red from the burning water. Amanda had it on one of the hottest settings, desperately wanting to feel clean. Sobs erupted from her mouth, and she trembled violently. When she finally got out of the shower, she almost immediately leaned over the toilet and threw up. After emptying her stomach, she dried herself off. She put on some sweats and went to the kitchen to get Frannie her dinner.

After filling Frannie's food bowl and refilling her water bowl, Amanda fixed herself a bowl of cereal. She sat on the couch with her cereal and turned on the television with the hopes of clearing her mind of her torturous thoughts. Her phone lit up, and she saw that she had missed a text message from Carisi.

**Carisi: hey, you okay?**

Amanda frowned at the text message. How had he managed to figure out something was wrong? She thought she played it off well.

**Amanda: why wouldn't I be?**

**Carisi: you just seemed a little jumpy for lack of a better word.**

**Amanda: I'm fine, Carisi. I was just tired of listening to speeches all day. And I don't really like being around my former colleagues.**

**Carisi: why is that?**

Amanda bit her lip, trying to think of a good excuse.

**Amanda: eh it's just awkward. I sorta left outta the blue.**

**Carisi: did it have to do with one of the other officers?**

Amanda felt physically sick upon reading that reply. How on earth could he have figured out that she had personal issues with the officers of APD? Well, he wasn't an officer; he was the deputy chief. How did he know? _What_ did he know? Was Patton or Reynolds spreading rumors? She took a deep breath, trying to get rid of the urge to throw up again.

**Amanda: what? No. What made you ask that? I just wanted to move to New York. Couldn't stand being around my family.**

Ananda's lie was partially correct. She had wanted to move to New York, and she did want to get away from her family. However, the main reason she left was the same reason for her nightmares.

**Carisi: oh. I heard someone talking about you and another officer. Probably just rumors. I must've misheard something.**

**Amanda: what did you hear? Did any one else from the squad hear it?**

**Carisi: one of the officers just talked about you wanting to get promoted. And the squad didn't hear it. They were talking with Chief Dodds about Liv's speech.**

_He knows_, Amanda thought. _He knows that I'm a slut. He probably thinks I wanted it._ Amanda chose not to reply, and Carisi sent another text a couple of minutes later.

**Carisi: Look, Amanda, if something happened, you know you can talk to us.**

**Amanda: I don't know what you're even talking about. You must've misheard something. I have to go. Frannie's barking at who knows what**

Amanda looked over at her dog, who was asleep on the couch. She hoped she managed to convince Carisi nothing was wrong. Carisi wasn't stupid, but he did take a little longer to catch on to certain things. Amanda hoped this was one of those things.

Sonny Carisi was in his apartment, eating a sandwich. He was trying to figure out what was wrong with Amanda. It wasn't like her to be so jumpy. She's not exactly a people person, but she still seemed a little off at the conference. Sometimes, Amanda would mention vague details about her past in Atlanta, but no one knew the extent of anything that ever took place in her old house or at her job in Atlanta. Carisi was starting to wonder if Amanda's past was worse than she made it out to be. He thought the officers of APD seemed nice, and he couldn't understand what could've happened that was so bad Amanda had to pack up and leave. Carisi replayed the way Amanda acted during the conference in his head.

The squad knew Amanda wasn't up for speaking to anyone from her former precinct. Whenever an APD officer greeted her, Amanda was polite, but she kept the conversation short. When the deputy of chief of Atlanta approached the squad, things changed. Carisi replayed that scene in his head.

Amanda's face had gone pale. Her beautiful blue eyes seemed to darken. With anger, maybe? Fear? As Patton spoke, Amanda tried to keep the conversation short like she did with the other APD officers. Only it didn't work this time. Patton introduced the young detective who was with him. She had fair skin, blue eyes, and blonde hair. Amanda looked at her, almost sympathetically. Amanda eventually excused herself, and when she came back, she didn't say another word except to say good night. What could the deputy chief of Atlanta PD have to do with this?

* * *

Amanda woke up in her bed around six in the morning. Frannie was asleep at the foot of the bed. She was dreading the second day of the conference. She knew she was going to run into Patton, and she really did not want to see him. She made a mental note to herself to stay around her squad so she wouldn't ever be alone with Patton. Even being around Benson would be better than the risk of being alone with Patton. At least Benson wouldn't lay a hand on her. No matter how Benson hated the young blonde, she wasn't a threat to Amanda's physical safety. Amanda replayed last night in her head when Patton had caught her as she was leaving the bathroom. He touched her in ways she didn't like, and she didn't seem to have any control over the situation.

Amanda was an extraordinary detective. Angry criminals who were shouting and swinging did not seem to phase her. She was a great fighter. When she practiced shooting at the range, she always hit extremely close to the target or right on it. How was she not able to defend herself from Deputy Chief Patton?

She scrubbed her body in the shower, trying to feel clean again. After her hot shower, she dried off and got ready for the conference. After she was dressed and ready for the day, Amanda sat on her couch with Frannie and a cup of coffee. The thought of having to see Patton against disgusted her. She considered grabbing a bottle of vodka, but she decided against it. It wouldn't look good if she showed up to a police conference drunk. Instead, she had four cups of coffee. Then, she took a fifth cup to go. If she was going to stay awake, focused, and alert, she was going to need all the caffeine she could get.

When she arrived to the hotel, where the conference was being held, she entered the banquet room and scanned the area for any member of her squad. She wanted to remain close to her squad so she could avoid being left alone with Patton. Her phone rang, and she saw it was her lieutenant.

"Rollins," she answered.

"Hey, Rollins. I need you to meet me at Bellevue," Lieutenant Benson responded.

"What? Now?" Amanda asked, confused.

"Yeah. The vic is that detective we met last night. Reese Taymor," Benson explained, sadness in her voice.

_Oh no. _Amanda thought.

"Yeah. I'm on my way," Rollins answered before hanging up her phone. She quickly exited the hotel and drove to the hospital.

_I should've seen this coming. Last night, there was such happiness in her eyes. He hadn't hurt her yet. I should've known it was only a matter of time. I should've said something. _Amanda thought to herself. She was so lost in her thoughts she barely realized she had reached a red light.

_Calm down, Amanda. You don't know the full story yet. Maybe it wasn't Patton._ Amanda considered. She quickly pushed that thought aside.

_You know it was him. _Amanda thought. While she felt sorry for Detective Taymor, she hoped so bad the rapist wasn't Patton.

* * *

"Okay. The ER nurse said you disclosed," Olivia informed the small blonde laying on the bed, who was trying to deny that an assault took place. Amanda was standing next to Benson, trying to keep herself together.

The happiness and life that had been evident in Reese Taymor's eyes the previous night had ceased to exist. That happiness and life had been replaced with fear, sadness, and pain. Amanda knew what that felt like.

She was once happy. Her eyes once sparkled with delight and life. They once held passion. The events that took place at the Atlanta Police Department destroyed the happiness, passion, and life she once had. Her world turned so dark. She was used to darkness from her own troubled family, and this added so much to it she wasn't sure she even wanted to live anymore. She knew what it was like to go from smiling to frowning, from sparkling to crying, from living to wishing you were dead. She knew it all too well, and she would never wish that upon anyone. Amanda's heart shattered at the thought of Reese experiencing what she'd been through.

"I was in a bad place emotionally," Reese answered, not wanting to report the assault. Benson and Rollins didn't say anything; they just stared at her.

"I-I was drunk this morning. I was tipsy last night," Reese admitted. She was uncomfortable with the older blonde's presence. She was sure that Amanda wouldn't believe her. Surely, Amanda looked up to Patton and would only think of Reese as a lying slut.

"That doesn't excuse what happened," Rollins stated, feeling sorry for the younger detective.

"I don't want to pursue," Taymor responded sharply. Amanda knew how that felt. She knew the trauma of being raped and not being believed. She had gone through it. She knew Reese was scared. Patton fights dirty. If Reese reports it, the retaliation won't ever end until she leaves the precinct.

"We're gonna pull the footage from the hotel and see who went in and out of that room," Benson informed the young woman. Reese hesitated for a moment before speaking.

"It-it was my boss," Taymor admitted. Amanda held her breath.

"Captain Reynolds?" Benson asked in a soft tone. Reese scoffed.

"No, it was _his_ boss. Deputy Chief Patton," Reese said as tears welled up in her eyes. The pit in Amanda's stomach deepened. She pulled her phone out and pretended to get a text message.

"I'm very sorry, but Fin needs me," Amanda lied. Olivia shot Amanda a death glare for trying to leave in the middle of a disclosure.

"Go ahead," she permitted, trying to hide her anger. She planned to yell at Amanda for that when they got back to the precinct. Amanda quickly exited the room. As soon as she stepped foot outside the room, the tears began streaming down her face. She hurried to the bathroom.

_This is all your fault. _Amanda thought to herself. Words couldn't quite describe how much Amanda hated herself at the moment.

"So you see, I'm not pressing charges, and I won't testify. I _can't_," Reese explained after Detective Rollins exited the room.

The squad had an emergency meeting with Chief Dodds. They were already late to the conference, so they decided to take care of business before showing up to the conference.

"We shouldn't be taking her word over that of a fellow officer," Chief Dodds argued. The deputy chief of New York had just spoken with the deputy chief of Atlanta. He seemed to find Patton more credible than Reese Taymor.

Deputy Chief Patton quickly turned the friendly conversation on Amanda. He spread rumors Amanda hadn't heard since she worked in Atlanta. Amanda was grateful he didn't go into details though. He mentioned that she threw herself on him to save her sister. He implied she was a slut. Amanda kept her eyes on Patton, but she could feel her colleagues' stares.

_They're judging me. They believe him._ Amanda had thought to herself.

"Detective Taymor is a fellow officer too. Just because he outranks her, it doesn't mean," Olivia retorted, but was cut off by the chief.

"You said she didn't want to press charges. We're not making a case against the deputy chief without her testimony," Chief Dodds declared.

"Rollins, you worked with this guy?" Carisi questioned.

"Yeah. Is he capable of this?" Chief Dodds asked.

"You can never tell what anyone is capable of," Amanda answered. Carisi casted her a weird look. He wasn't buying Amanda's vague answer. She was usually more straight forward than that.

"Did Reese seem credible?" Fin asked his partner.

"I thought she did," Olivia answered before Rollins could.

"Well, that doesn't matter. If she doesn't want to pursue, we aren't going to," Chief Dodds decided, concerned more about image than about the crime. Everyone was silent for a second until the chief suggested they all head to the conference.

"Rollins, stay a minute?" Benson requested, though it was more of an order. Everyone exited the office, and the lieutenant asked her to close the door.

"What on earth were you thinking leaving in the middle of Detective Taymor's disclosure?!" Olivia snapped at the young detective. She must've been a little harsher than she expected to be because Amanda visibly flinched at the lieutenant's tone, not that the lieutenant really cared at the moment.

"I'm very sorry I did that. Fin needed me," Amanda lied.

"Oh, really?" Benson asked, clearly not believing her. She opened her door and called for Fin.

"What's up?" Fin wondered, entering his lieutenant's office.

"Why were you texting Rollins when we were in the middle of listening to Detective Taymor's disclosure?" Olivia questioned, ready to have Amanda caught in a lie. She was ready to continue yelling at her young detective. Amanda regretted lying, know Olivia was going to reprimand her even more once Fin expressed his confusion. Fin looked at his partner, who was staring at the ground with worry evident in her eyes.

"Sorry about that, Lieutenant. I had a family emergency, and I needed Rollins' help," Fin covered for his partner. Amanda glanced up, a tiny smile appearing for only a second. She was glad to have a partner like Fin.

"Is everything all right?" Benson asked, now concerned for the male detective.

"Yeah, it's cool. Sorry I interrupted the disclosure," Fin apologized. Benson nodded before dismissing both detectives.

"Thanks, Fin," Amanda said, gratefully. They sat down at their desks.

"What was the real reason you left in the middle of the disclosure?" Fin asked.

"I didn't know who to believe," Amanda lied. She knew Taymor was telling the truth.

"Uh huh," Fin responded, not believing his partner. He looked into her eyes, waiting for her to admit the truth.

"I'm fine, Fin."

* * *

To no one's surprise, Detective Reese Taymor wasn't at the conference. The squad wasn't too happy to see Deputy Chief Patton, but Chief Dodds acted as though nothing ever happened. Amanda was disgusted with both herself and Patton. She felt sick to her stomach. As soon as the conference was over, she was going to go straight home. She had no plans to stick around.

Amanda couldn't focus on any of the speeches or videos presented at the conference. Instead, she replayed what had been done to her back in Atlanta. She was tormented with her own painful memories and now with Reese's story. She would never get over this. She had finally gotten on with her life. Then, this happens. He raped another detective. He didn't change, not that Rollins expected him to. She hated herself. If she had spoken up and reported him when he first raped her all those years ago, this wouldn't have happened to Detective Taymor. This shouldn't have happened.

_I could've prevented it, and I didn't._ Amanda thought to herself. Amanda didn't have to keep her mouth shut when it happened to her. Reese Taymor didn't have to get raped. This was in no way Reese's fault.

_But it's my fault in every way._ Amanda thought.

* * *

When the conference ended, everyone stayed after for refreshments. Amanda was in no mood to stay. She couldn't wait to get out of there. She couldn't wait for Patton to go back to Atlanta. She hoped she would never see him again.

Carisi noticed how distant Amanda had been throughout the conference. She didn't say much, and she didn't look like she was paying attention most of the time. She seemed to be in deep thought, and the sadness in her eyes told Carisi they were not good thoughts. When Patton got up to present a speech, Carisi could've sworn Amanda shot the deputy chief a death glare. Carisi brushed it off though, thinking it was nothing. However, he knew whatever was going through Rollins' mind was not nothing. It was something, and Carisi wanted to know what it was.

"Hey, Amanda. You're leaving already?" Carisi asked as Amanda was exiting the banquet room.

"Uh, yeah. I'm tired, and Frannie needs to be fed," Amanda answered. It was true that she was tired, and Frannie did need to be fed, but that's not why Amanda was in such a hurry to leave.

"You okay? You've seemed a bit off lately," Carisi pointed out.

"Carisi, we already had this conversation. I'm fine," Amanda lied, her voice firm. The irritation in her voice informed Carisi that Amanda did not want to speak anymore about the subject.

"All right. Well, I'm here if you need anything," Carisi said, his voice soft and genuine. He really wanted to be there for her.

"I don't need anything," Amanda spat, her words coming out harsher than she intended. After an awkward second of silence, Carisi said good night and walked over to where the rest of the squad was. Amanda quickly exited the banquet room and got on an elevator. Just as the elevator doors were about to close, a hand stopped them. The man who entered the elevator was Patton. He hit the button with the number twenty three, four floors down.

"Goin' so soon, Darlin'? I thought maybe you and I could grab a drink," Patton suggested.

"Actually, I'm pretty tired and should be heading home," Amanda declined as politely as she could think to.

"Well, you know, I don't take 'no' for an answer," Patton chuckled. Amanda shot him an ugly glare, no longer caring if she was polite or not.

"Jokin', Peach. I was gonna get drinks with Reese, but she's not feelin' too well today," Patton claimed. If anger could boil a person's blood, Amanda would've been bubbling. She knew it was best to bite her tongue though. The elevator stopped on the twenty third floor, to Amanda's relief. Patton ran his hand down Amanda's backside, chuckling when the woman physically recoiled at his touch. He could see the fear in her eyes.

"It was nice seein' you, Darlin'," Patton grinned. He exited the elevator, and Amanda hit the "close doors" button. As the elevator went down twenty three floors, tears welled up in Amanda's eyes. The memories of being sexually abused and raped by her former boss replayed in her mind. The fact that Detective Taymor had been raped by Patton tormented Amanda.

When the elevator doors opened, Amanda hurried out of the elevator and out the hotel. She quickly got into her car and drove away, hoping to never come back to that hotel. When she arrived at her apartment, she changed into sweats and fed her dog. She looked in the refrigerator for something to eat, but her eyes landed on a half full bottle of vodka. She took out the bottle, deciding a glass or two would be all right after the day she'd had. After five glasses, she started drinking straight from the bottle. When the bottle was empty, Amanda didn't hesitate before grabbing an unopened bottle of vodka. She told herself she would only have one more glass, but it wasn't long before the unopened bottle of vodka was empty.

As she kneeled over her toilet, throwing up, Amanda realized there was no way she was going to work the next day. When she finally stopped throwing up, she crawled into her bed. She began sobbing, and eventually, exhaustion put her to sleep.

_"Why didn't you report it?" A young voice asked. Amanda was so confused. Report what? The young voice showed her face, and Amanda recognized her as Reese Taymor._

_"The rape. Why didn't you report the rape? It wouldn't have happened to me if you had reported it," Reese cried. _

_"I'm sorry," Amanda started to cry._

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Amanda jolted awake, gasping for air. Tears welled up in her eyes and slid down her face. Detective Taymor didn't deserve to be raped, and Amanda could've prevented it.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/n: Hi, guys! Thank you so much for the reviews on my last couple of chapters! I hope you are enjoying this fanfiction! Thank you so much for reading! Comments, suggestions, and observations are always appreciated! Thank you! :)**

* * *

When Amanda woke up the next morning after a long night of horrible nightmares, she had a headache. Groaning, she got up and went to the bathroom. She opened the medicine cabinet and grabbed a bottle of aspirins. She swallowed one before heading to the kitchen. She was already an hour late to work. She sighed, knowing her lieutenant wouldn't be happy when she called in sick. She was so tired of feeling bullied at her workplace by her own boss. After hesitating for a moment, she decided to text her lieutenant, rather than call in order to avoid being yelled at. After informing her lieutenant she would not be at work today, she looked in the refrigerator, trying to decide what to eat for breakfast.

Her eyes landed on a bottle of wine, and the memories of the last couple of days flooded back to her. She bit her bottom lip as tears welled up in her eyes. The guilt she was feeling over Detective Taymor's rape was such a heavy weight on Amanda's shoulders. No one could convince her that it wasn't her fault. No one could even convince that her own abuse wasn't her fault. Her depression was worse than it had been in a quite some time. She wished she hadn't seen Patton, or anyone from APD for for that matter. She wished she hadn't attended the police conference. It was expected of her by Lieutenant Benson to attend, but still, Amanda wished she had made up some excuse. She wished she had never even met Deputy Chief Patton. He was a predator. He raped her when she worked in Atlanta. Two nights ago, he struck again and raped Reese Taymor. Captain Reynolds wasn't really any better. Sure, he didn't abuse her as badly as Patton did, and he felt some remorse it seemed. However, he never did anything about it. Captain Reynolds could've put a stop to Patton abusing Amanda, and he never did. Now, Amanda was doing nothing to stop Patton. Was she really any better than her old captain?

Amanda wanted to forget. She wanted to forget the sexual abuse Patton put her through. She wanted to forget the awful night Patton first raped her. She wanted to forget the dreadful night that Captain Reynolds joined them. She wanted to forget. She knew that bottle of wine would help her forget for a little while. She was about to grab it when Frannie entered the kitchen, hungry for breakfast. Amanda sighed softly before she fed her dog. Then, Amanda made herself a cup of coffee and headed to the living room. She sat on the couch and tried to relax. Her head was feeling better after the aspirin she took, and she hoped the caffeine in her coffee would help it go away completely.

As she drank her coffee, Amanda couldn't get what Patton did to her out of her head. He had harassed her, abused her, and raped her. He convinced her that she would never be believed, that no one would help her, and that she even deserved it. She couldn't get what he did to Reese out of her head. Reese was so young. She must've been so scared. She was too scared to even _consider_ pressing charges. Amanda knew that feeling all too well. The thoughts tormented Amanda. Tears welled up in her eyes, and her body began trembling. In a fit of frustration and pain, Amanda let out a scream before standing up and throwing her half full cup of coffee against the wall. She fell to her knees, hysterically sobbing as memories of abuse flooded her mind. Coffee was splattered on the wall and floor, and there was glass everywhere. Frannie barked at the seemingly sudden chaos taking place in the apartment. Frannie approached her owner and nuzzled her head against the young blonde. Amanda hugged her dog, still sobbing.

"Frannie, why did this have to happen?" Amanda asked through tears as though her dog could give her an explanation. Frannie whimpered, sensing her owner's distress.

Amanda stayed in that position for about fifteen minutes. When she finally composed herself, she stood up and cleaned the mess she created. As she picked up the big pieces of glass, vacuumed the smaller pieces, and cleaned the coffee, Amanda wished all of her messes could be cleaned up with a vacuum cleaner and a towel. Coffee and broken glass was nothing compared to the mess that was Amanda Rollins' life.

After cleaning the mess, she plopped down on the couch, releasing a sigh as she hit the couch. Her eyes drooped as exhaustion from her emotional problems took over. She groaned a second later when her phone buzzed, certain it was Olivia giving her young detective yet another piece of her mind. When Amanda grabbed her phone, she was surprised to see the message wasn't from her lieutenant.

**Fin: Amanda, you okay? You seemed a little off last night**

**Amanda: I'm fine.**

**Fin: are you sure? You've been acting weird since we left the hospital yesterday, and you left in the middle of that disclosure. Not to mention you practically bolted out of the conference last night. **

Amanda sighed. She knew she couldn't tell anyone what was wrong. Like Deputy Chief Patton told her long ago, nobody would believe her or help her. Nobody could fix this. Confiding in anyone would only worsen the situation. Patton would surely get her back if she told anyone, and didn't want to be abused again. She knew it was safer to keep her mouth shut.

**Amanda: I'm fine, Fin. Don't worry about me.**

* * *

Amanda spent the morning lounging on her couch, trying to clear her mind by watching tv. By the late afternoon, the only thing she had eaten was an apple. Guilty thoughts and horrific memories tormented Amanda all day. Deputy Chief Patton used to handcuff Amanda in his office while he abused her, and she wondered if Reese had experienced that. The thought of Reese enduring such abuse at the hands of Patton made Amanda sick to her stomach. She blamed herself for what Reese went through and hated herself for allowing it to happen. However, she knew it wasn't safe to tell the truth about what went on in the day, Fin texted her, wanting to meet up with her. He knew something was wrong with his partner, and he wanted to know what it was. Amanda ignored most of his texts, not wanting to reveal her dark secret to anybody. It wasn't Fin's business anyway, and Amanda figured he'd eventually stop prying.

Around four, Amanda decided she needed a drink to clear her head for just a little bit. She grabbed her coat and headed to a bar across town. Her goal wasn't to get drunk. She didn't want another hangover, and she didn't want to take another sick day. Benson would be upset with her if she called in sick again. She just wanted to loosen up and forget things for a little bit.

She was on her second drink when she noticed her partner enter the bar. She sighed, knowing he had been looking for her. She didn't want to talk about her troubles. She wanted to be left alone. She wanted to pretend nothing ever happened. That's what she'd been doing for the last five years. It had been working until the stupid police conference.

Fin grabbed a drink before making his way over to Amanda. His partner was a private person. She never liked to reveal personal details about herself, and Fin knew when to stop prying. He knew Amanda didn't want to talk about whatever was going on, but something was telling Fin to pry. He knew there was something going on with her, and he wanted to make sure she wasn't in any danger.

"You're a tough girl to track down," Fin stated as he sat across from the young blonde. Amanda didn't answer him. She stared at her drink instead.

"You gonna tell me what's going on?" Fin asked.

"I don't wanna talk about it," Amanda declared, her tone serious. She hoped that would be enough for her partner to back off.

"I'm not leavin'," Fin told his partner. Amanda sighed, trying to figure a way out of this conversation.

"What went on between you and Patton?" Fin questioned. Amanda sighed again, knowing she had to answer him. He was already suspicious. Refusing to talk would only further convince him that something bad was happening. Amanda wanted this to be over already.

"I was Patton's shiny, blonde protégée, right? I was smart. I was good looking," Amanda began. She had already decided she wasn't going to talk about the abuse. She would tell him about one specific night, play it off as a one time thing, and make it out to be her fault. She would never let Fin, or anyone for that matter, know she was a victim. She hardly viewed herself as one anyway. Besides, she couldn't risk anyone ever finding out what happened to her. She didn't want to face Patton's consequences if anybody found out about the abuse. It was safer if everyone believed this was her fault.

"Okay," Fin responded, listening carefully to each word that came out of Amanda's mouth. The young blonde sighed, and Fin worried for what she would say next.

"Then, one night, Patton calls me into his office. It was late. Nobody was around. He says that he thinks I'd make a good sergeant. I had a hard time believing that. It's always been a boys' club at APD. I mean, a female sergeant? He said all I needed to do was pass one test," Amanda explained. Fin nodded.

"I asked him where I could get the application for the sergeant's exam, but he just laughed. Said that wasn't the test he had in mind," Amanda continued. She recalled that night vividly, though she didn't tell Fin the whole truth.

"He meant sex," Fin inferred. His partner nodded, ashamed. She worried he was going to think she was disgusting.

"Amanda, you didn't," Fin stated, his voice low. His tone was surprised, but he was nonjudgmental. Amanda looked away from him.

"Did he force you?" Fin questioned when his partner didn't respond. Amanda hesitated before speaking.

"He didn't put a gun to my head," Amanda answered. She wasn't telling the truth about not being forced, but she technically wasn't lying either. He hadn't held a gun to her head. He didn't need a gun. He had handcuffs. He threatened to grab a gun if she screamed, but she never actually had a gun to her head.

"So Reese is telling the truth?" Fin asked.

"Yeah."

"You gotta tell Barba," Fin declared.

"No," Amanda said sharply, surprised her partner would even try to convince her of such a thing.

"You gotta let them know this guy's a predator," Fin explained.

"No. I won't say I was raped because... I wasn't," Amanda denied. No one could ever know the truth.

"What about this girl?" Fin challenged.

"Well, she'll get over it. She may have been sleepin' with him anyway. She'll go back to Atlanta and pretend it never happened," Amanda answered, her tone cold. She felt horrible for implying that Reese was just a slut, especially when she knew that wasn't the case. However, she was not about to risk her secrets coming out. She wasn't going to let anyone know she'd been abused.

"Just like you did?" Fin argued. He felt bad for his partner, but he was also disappointed in her. She shouldn't have had to go through with what Patton did, but she also couldn't keep this a secret.

"Well, you pretend long enough, it's like nothing did happen. Let it go, okay?" Amanda commanded, taking a drink of her whiskey. Fin sighed. He didn't want to betray his partner's trust, but he knew this couldn't remain a secret. For the next half hour, they argued about what the best way to go about the situation was.

* * *

"I put myself in a bad situation, and Patton took advantage of it," Amanda stated, hoping she wouldn't have to say anything more about it.

"Are you saying he raped you?" Chief Dodds asked.

"I'm saying, off the record, based on my personal experience, I believe Detective Taymor is telling the truth," Amanda declared, dodging the chief's question. Olivia casted her youngest detective a questioning look. She wondered what took place between the young blonde and Atlanta's deputy chief. She shook her head.

_She probably slept around like Patton said._ Olivia thought to herself.

ADA Rafael Barba and Deputy Chief Dodds also looked at Amanda with curiosity. They wondered what Amanda meant, but Dodds didn't care enough to ask, and Barba knew better than to press Amanda for details. She wasn't going to say anything more than she absolutely had to.

"So what now?" Chief Dodds asked.

"We arrest him," Olivia said as though the answer should've been obvious. Dodds looked at her in confusion.

"A rape kit with bruising, the ER nurse as an outcry witness, me," Olivia reminded the chief, surprised he was really wanting more to press charges.

"She won't cooperate. I can't arrest the deputy chief without a complaint," Chief Dodds retorted. Amanda's heart broke, knowing Reese wasn't going to justice. Amanda had to do something about it. She didn't stop Reese from getting raped; she at least needed to try to stop any further abuse from happening. Didn't she owe Reese that much? It's not like Amanda would have to admit to anything. She could simply convince Reese to testify. Reese could be the one to stop Patton's reign of terror from continuing, but only if Amanda acted now. She couldn't let Reese go through what she went through.

"I will talk to her again," Olivia told the chief.

"No," Amanda said. Lieutenant Benson, ADA Barba, And Chief Dodds turned their attention to the young blonde.

"It's my turn."

* * *

"Thanks for meeting with me," Amanda said as she entered Reese's hotel room. The hotel gave the APD detective a different room since her original one was a crime scene. Reese felt like there was a pit in her stomach. She was almost afraid of the older detective, knowing she'd once worked for Patton. She feared Detective Rollins was here to threaten her, but it wasn't necessary.

"If the chief sent you here to shut me up, it's a wasted trip. I'm zippin' my mouth, and I'm goin' home," Reese spat. She tried to sound tough, but the brokenness in her voice was obvious.

Reese had been crying almost nonstop. She managed to hold back her tears now that somebody else was present, but Amanda didn't need to see Reese cry to know she was in pain. Amanda had been there herself. When Reese goes back to Georgia, she'll plaster on a smile, be the best detective she can be, and act tougher than before. She'll probably continue to be abused by the deputy chief, and she'll be harassed by others at work. She'll never speak about what's happened to her. When she gets back to her house after work, her smile will disappear, her tears will fall, and she'll wonder how on earth she let herself get into such a situation. The pain and guilt will eat at her all through the night, but when the sun comes, the fake smile will reappear, and she'll do it all over again. The pain in her blue eyes will become so common no one notices it, along with the fake smile that everyone will believe is real. Even if her own colleagues know she isn't genuinely happy, they won't comment on it. The boys' club doesn't care for her happiness. Amanda knew that. Amanda had lived through that herself.

"That's not why I'm here," Amanda answered quickly, not wanting the younger detective to think otherwise. Reese looked at her, clearly confused as to what other reason the former Atlanta PD detective would come see her if not to threaten her. Reese wouldn't admit it, but she had received threats via text message from her colleagues about reporting Patton. Though that topic was never brought up, Amanda could've guessed it. It happened to her too.

"Patton raped you, and you're gonna need to cooperate with us. If this goes to trial, you _need_ to testify," Amanda stated seriously.

"Why? So everyone can know what I've been through, my humiliation, and call me a slut just like _you_? I am _nothing _like you," Reese shot back, her tone cold, and her words harsh.

Amanda was hurt by Reese's statements, but she understood. She understood the fear of reporting your superior officer, especially when he was someone like Charles Patton. She knew the pain of reporting it, only to not be believed. Amanda herself had been labeled as a slut. The Atlanta police department thought she slept around. They thought she had sex with the boss in order to get promoted. They thought she only claimed raped when a promotion wasn't offered. No one believed her. Her outcry seemed only to give permission to the other officers to sexually harass her, and that caused nightmares and panic attacks as if the trauma from being raped by Patton wasn't enough. She understood why Reese was so afraid to testify. To be honest, even if Amanda could go back in time, she wouldn't have reported the deputy chief either.

Those rumors about Detective Amanda Rollins being a lying slut got around the department. Everyone who heard about the rumors sided with Patton, and none of them even cared to listen to Amanda's side. They might listen to pieces of her story, but that was only to use it as ammunition against her. Even Reese Taymor, now a victim of Patton herself, believed the rumors.

"Because you're a good girl?" Amanda challenged, a bit of frustration mixed in with the softness of her voice. She was trying to be patient. She was trying to stay compassionate. She understood Reese's situation all too well.

"That's right. I worked _hard_ to get where I am," Reese retorted, mocking Amanda as though she didn't work hard.

"I know that. I know that's why this is so hard. 'Cause you think if-if you do your job well, if you work twice as hard as the men, then, you will be seen as a good detective," Amanda snapped, frustrated with her own past. She knew she was a good detective. She knew she did her best, an yet, no one at APD seemed to notice. She did her best, only to be sexually abused.

She understood how upset Reese was. Amanda worked as hard as she could every single day, and it _never_ seemed to be enough. She was finally voicing her frustrations through Reese's situation. Was it selfish to use another person's traumatic situation to voice your own pain, or was it helpful? Amanda wasn't sure, and at this particular moment, she wasn't considering it. She had been hurt, Reese had been hurt the same way, and they were both sad and angry.

"But Chief Patton, he's king. The way he figures it, he's entitled," Amanda continued.

"I knew his reputation, to not be the last one in the office, watch for the accidental touches. He'd make his jokes, I'd smile and say I was flattered, but that nothing was happening," Reese admitted, trying to keep her voice calm. Tears welled up in her eyes, and she forced them back.

"So you weren't having an affair?" Amanda asked for confirmation. She knew Detective Taylor was raped. She knew there was no affair, but she still needed to confirm it.

"_No_! Is that what he is saying? And Captain Reynolds is backing him up on that?" Reese asked in alarm, her eyes widening with hurt and worry. She felt betrayed by her captain. Amanda was shocked this was the first Reese was hearing about it.

"Yeah, guys are gonna talk whether we sleep with them or not. Do you think Sam Reynolds wanted everyone to know I turned him down?" Amanda asked, a small smirk momentarily appearing on her face. Truth be told, Amanda _did_ turn him down. That didn't stop him from raping her though. The younger detective didn't need to know that part, Amanda decided. Reese's face was a mix of confusion and pain.

"You think your Chief Patton's first good girl?" Amanda questioned, holding back her tears. The pain was evident all over the older detective's face. For the first time, Reese recognized the despair in Amanda's blue eyes. It was like she was looking at her own reflection.

"So everything they said about you and why you left, _none_ of that is true?" Reese figured. She felt hurt, both for herself and for Amanda.

"No," Amanda answered, her voice low and full of pain. Reese's heart sank as realization set in.

Amanda Rollins wasn't lying. Amanda Rollins wasn't a slut. Amanda Rollins wasn't trying to trade sex for a promotion. Amanda Rollins used to be as young as Patton's most recent victim. Amanda Rollins used to be happy. Amanda Rollins' blue eyes used to sparkle, not hold pain. Amanda Rollins was very similar to Reese Taymor.

Reese felt guilty. Back in Atlanta, she had participated in making jokes about Amanda Rollins being a slut. She thought she was making fun of some self centered low life who only wanted to get to the top. She wasn't. She was making fun of a rape victim.

* * *

"So how did your talk with Detective Taymor go?" Lieutenant Benson asked once Amanda got back to the precinct. She expected Amanda to say it hadn't gone well and that the case wasn't going anywhere. She expected her detective to fail.

"She agreed to press charges," Amanda answered, not going into detail. No one needed to know anymore than the fact that Reese was willing to testify. Olivia was clearly shocked with Amanda's response.

"That's great. What did you say to her?" Olivia wondered.

"I just said that she didn't deserve it, and we believed her. And she'd need to testify if this goes to trial," Amanda shrugged.

Lieutenant Benson squinted her eyes, not convinced by Amanda's answer.

"That's all you said?" Benson questioned.

"Yup."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/n: Hi, guys! Thank you so much for reading! I hope you're enjoying this fanfic! I read all the reviews you guys leave me. I know I don't respond to them, but I read them! Reviews, comments, observations, and suggestions are always welcomed! Hope you like this chapter! :)**

* * *

She knew Amanda wasn't being honest with her. She was certain Amanda hadn't told her the entire story regarding her conversation with Detective Taymor. She wasn't sure why Amanda wasn't telling the truth, but she knew she wasn't. As she sat in her office, she wondered why Amanda wouldn't go into detail about the conversation. She had tried to pry Amanda for more information, but the blonde detective managed to dodge each conversation that the lieutenant tried to start, much to the older woman's annoyance. She was tired of Amanda's constant disrespect.

Lieutenant Benson was sure Detective Rollins was hiding something. It seemed that Rollins was always hiding something from her. She couldn't figure out why though. She was a good boss, wasn't she? Sure, she could be a little hard on her youngest detective at times, but only when she really deserved it. It just so happened that she almost always deserved it, didn't she? If Olivia was really being unfair, wouldn't one of her other detectives call her out on it? No one had, so she must've not been doing anything wrong. She sighed and rolled her eyes. She wished Amanda would be more respectful. If she could just do that, Olivia wouldn't have to reprimand her so much. She looked at the clock on her phone, and her annoyance grew into frustration when she realized Amanda was an hour late to work. She tried calling the detective, but her phone went to voicemail. She sent an angry text message to the detective instead. Benson was already not in the best mood because she had been up half of the night with Noah, who didn't want to go to bed. She almost couldn't wait for Amanda to show up so she could give the blonde a piece of her mind.

* * *

_ He had her handcuffed and bent over his desk. The door was shut, not that it mattered; everyone had surely gone home by now. He smirked at his youngest detective, who was in tears. The only time she ever appeared weak was in his presence. She feared him, and he knew that. With the boys' club that was APD, it wasn't all that difficult to take advantage of a young female detective. He knew she would be too scared to report him. Even if she did report him, no one would believe her word over his, and he was well aware of that._

_"P-please, leave me alone," she whispered, her voice shaking. She was begging him as she had every single time she was called into his office. He never gave into her pleas. He loved watching his seemingly tough detective squirm and break. He felt so powerful._

_"Now, Peach, you know I can't do that," Deputy Chief Patton smirked. He chuckled when she struggled against the handcuffs. They both knew she couldn't escape, and neither knew why she bothered trying at this point._

_He came up behind her and unzipped his pants. She inhaled a shaky breath, desperately trying to think of a way out of this. She knew there was no way out of this. He'd been abusing her for months and showed no signs of stopping. He would continue to do as he pleased, and there was nothing she could do about it. He unbuttoned her pants, and she let out a whimper. She again pleaded for him not to do this to her, as if it would do any good. _

_"Shut up," he spat, groping her breasts. She felt sick to her stomach. He forced himself inside of her, and Amanda could no longer hold back her cries. She cried and begged him to stop, but he wouldn't. Struggling against him never actually worked, and it only made him more violent. She was good at hiding her bruises with make up though._

_It felt like forever before he finally got off of her. It had been a torturous hour. She was trembling, and she was afraid to even move. She didn't always know what would set him off, and she really didn't want to anger him. That would only make this awful night last longer. He heard him zip up his own pants, and she shakily pulled hers up. He placed a hand on her shoulder, and she jumped._

_"Please, don't!" she screamed. He chuckled before kissing her on the cheek. He then tried to kiss her on the lips, but she dodged it. Anger filled his eyes as he struck her across the face, causing her to whimper. He held her face painfully tight and kissed her hard on the lips. _

_"I'll see you tomorrow, Darlin'," he told her, releasing her face. _

_The next day, she wasn't sure if she was feeling courageous or stupid as she walked into Captain Reynold's office. She informed him about the abuse that was taking place in Patton's office. It was a long and difficult conversation, but she trusted her captain. She was certain Reynolds would help her; he was a good captain. _

_"I'm so sorry to hear that, Amanda. I'll file a report right away," he promised. She felt a wave of relief. She had been believed. This sexual abuse was going to stop. She only wished she'd reported it months ago. Of course, she wouldn't learn until later that night that Captain Reynolds had had his suspicions about the abuse. _

_Captain Reynolds called her into his office shortly because the end of the long work day. She hadn't expected to see Deputy Chief Patton in there, but she supposed it made sense that the three of them would have to have a meeting. Still, something felt off. She wondered why there weren't other officers or a union rep present. Then, her captain shut his door, and she knew what was going to happen to her. He wasn't here to help her after all. The captain looked a bit uneasy, she noticed. However, he still grabbed a pair of handcuffs._

_"I told you that telling would do you no good, Peach," Deputy Chief Patton growled. Amanda backed into a corner and began crying, terrified of being abused yet again. _

_"Please, don't. Please, don't," she pleaded. _

_Both men pinned the young blonde down and took turns with her. She was sobbing the entire time. She eventually stopped begging them to get off of her. She knew they wouldn't. Instead, she sobbed and trembled, wishing she was somewhere else. _

_When they were finally done with her for the night, she scrambled back into the corner. Patton laughed as she hugged her knees to her chest and cried. She felt weak. She felt scared. She knew she wasn't safe in this department. _

_"See you tomorrow, Peach. And maybe this time, you should keep your mouth shut," Patton warned her. He exited the captain's office. Captain Reynolds looked at his youngest detective, a slight hint of remorse in his eyes. He knew it was wrong. He had never seen his seemingly tough detective so afraid. He slowly approached her with intentions to uncuff her. She started panicking when he got closer to her._

_"Please, don't! Please! I'm sorry!" Amanda pleaded, hugging herself tighter. _

_"I'm not gonna hurt you," Reynolds told her softly. _

_"P-please, p-please, l-let me l-l-leave," she begged. _

_"I'm just gonna take off the cuffs," Reynolds tried to calm her. He touched her wrist, and she flinched back. She didn't want him touching her. She was so scared. She was shaking, and her eyes were wide with fear. She had never expected her own captain to turn on her. She really couldn't trust anyone, could she? He gently undid the handcuffs, though his touch felt like fire to her skin. _

_She slowly stood up, her body still shaking. He stepped aside, giving her a path to the door. She looked at him, scared she wouldn't be allowed to leave. He could hear the shakiness in her breathing, and he wished he had made different choices today._

_"I'll see you tomorrow," he said, his voice soft. Amanda ran out of his office, ignoring the physical pain and desperate to get out of there._

* * *

She woke up, and it took her a second to realize her cell phone was ringing. Before she could get to her phone, however, the ringing stopped. Looking at her screen, she saw she had a missed call from Benson and was an hour late for work. She knew her lieutenant was going to be angry, and she almost felt afraid to face her. Her anxiety was bad enough, thanks to her memory in nightmare form, and she wasn't sure she could handle being yelled at her. She noticed she was still shaking from the nightmare. It felt so real. At one point, it was real. A text message notification flashed on her screen. She sighed, knowing Benson was angry. She quickly texted an apology and a promise to be there in ten minutes.

She quickly got dressed. She was upset she didn't have time to shower. She felt so dirty. She quickly drove to the precinct, trying to brace herself to be reprimanded. She knew she deserved it. She deserved every reprimand, berating, and punishment she received, didn't she? Even as sh entered the precinct, she was still extremely anxious due to her nightmare. She was hyper vigilant and didn't feel safe. She sat at her desk, slightly relieved that Benson was in her own office. However, when Benson noticed her detective had arrived, she exited her office.

"You okay?" Fin asked his partner. She could only nod her head for fear that her voice would shake or break if she spoke.

"Rollins, my office," Lieutenant Benson sharply demanded.

Carisi and Fin could easily detect the anger in their boss's voice, and they felt sorry for their coworker. Amanda was noticeably tensed up, not that the lieutenant really cared at the moment. Lieutenant Benson was angry and felt Rollins deserved this reprimanding. Rollins hesitantly stood up from her desk. She kept her head down as she followed Lieutenant Benson into her office. The younger detective took deep breaths in an unsuccessful attempt to calm herself down. She'd never actually felt afraid of her boss before. Had she felt bullied by her boss? Sure. Had she felt anxious or insecure in the presence of her boss? Definitely. But _afraid_? Not before today. Today, her anxiety was horrible, and she didn't feel safe alone with her lieutenant.

Lieutenant Benson noticed Amanda slightly jump when she shut the door rather harshly. The lieutenant rolled her eyes, not giving much thought to how her detective might be feeling. She didn't even notice that Amanda was almost unnoticeabley shaking.

"Do you care to explain why you're late _again?" _Benson spat.

"I-I'm sorry, Lieutenant," Amanda apologized. She didn't want to argue today. She just wanted this to be over. She didn't like her boss's tone. She hated feeling scared of someone she knew wouldn't actually lay a hand on her, unlike her superiors at APD.

"You always do this! You're never on time, Rollins! This is getting ridiculous! You need to start making some changes to ensure this doesn't happen again! You are so irresponsible!" Benson raised her voice. The anger in her eyes was frightening Amanda, though the blonde tried her best to hide it.

"I'm sorry. You're right. It won't happen again," Amanda mumbled. Using the pause in conversation to her advantage, Amanda stood up and started to leave.

"Did I say we were finished?" Benson snapped. Amanda flinched at her lieutenant's tone. She realized Benson was just getting started.

"Sit down," she demanded.

"I'm sorry," Amanda whispered, sitting down.

Olivia Benson spent the next couple of minutes yelling at and berating her younger detective. The detective didn't make any eye contact. She was shaking, wishing her lieutenant would stop. Benson dealt with victims every single day; was she really unable to see how much she was scaring Amanda?

Every chance she had, Amanda threw in an apology, hoping it would make Benson soften just a little bit. The apologies definitely surprised the lieutenant, but she continued to take her bad mood out on her youngest detective. Tears finally welled up in Amanda's eyes and began streaming down her face. She could recall the times Patton had yelled at and berated her, sometimes even publicly. She hated that it was seemingly happening again, only with a different boss. She just wanted it to stop.

"Snap out of it," Benson demanded when a tiny whimper escaped the blonde's mouth. The blonde immediately began trying to stop crying, not wanting to further infuriate her superior.

"I just don't even know what to do with you anymore, Amanda!" Benson stated, throwing her hands in the air.

The gesture caused Amanda to visibly flinch back, and though she tried to hide it, it didn't go unnoticed by the lieutenant. Olivia stared at Amanda for a moment, wondering why such a gesture had that effect on Amanda. Amanda was a seemingly fearless detective, and yet, here she was, crying and apparently flinching in her boss's office. Had Olivia been a bit harsher than necessary? She chose not to think about it.

"We're done here," Olivia declared, her tone a little softer.

"I'm sorry," Amanda whispered.

"I said we're done," Olivia repeated sharply. Amanda swallowed hard. Biting her bottom lip, she stood up and exited the office.

Rollins sat back down at her desk, and Carisi and Fin both casted her sympathetic looks. She sniffled and tried to make the tears stop. After a few minutes, she headed to the break room for some coffee.

Lieutenant Benson exited her office, wanting to ask for any updates on a case they'd been working. When she approached the detectives, they looked at her sadly.

"What?" she asked. Carisi looked at Fin, and it didn't go unnoticed by the lieutenant.

"Is there something you want to say?" Benson questioned Carisi.

"You were a bit harsh," Carisi admitted.

"My conversation with Rollins is between her and myself. I didn't say anything uncalled for," Benson tried to shut him down.

"With all due respect, Lieu, I disagree," Carisi said.

"Oh? And did you hear our conversation?" Benson challenged.

"Everyone heard it," Carisi stated. A ping of guilt hit the lieutenant. Had she really yelled that loud? She was too frustrated to pay attention to the way she had spoken to Rollins.

"Fin?" She asked.

"Reese's rape has been hard on Amanda. Maybe, you should cut her some slack," Fin agreed with Carisi. He would always have Amanda's back, no matter what. He knew Liv was justified, but it didn't mean Amand deserved that type of treatment.

"Even before this case, she's always late and always acting out," Benson defended herself.

"I'm just sayin', this has been hard on her. She was crying," Carisi continued. Benson wanted to continue the conversation, but Rollins came back to her desk from the break room. She kept her head down as she passed her lieutenant.

"You've been here what? Twenty minutes? You already needed a break?" Olivia asked, rolling her eyes.

"I'm sorry," Amanda whispered. That apology took everyone by surprise. Why was she apologizing so much? Shocked, all Olivia did was nod, as if to accept the apology. Amanda felt relieved that the conversation ended there. Giving an almost worried look to Fin and Carisi, Olivia headed back to her office. She gave one last glance before entering her office, and she noticed Rollins' face was puffy from crying. Her tears were the result of Olivia's impatient and unkind attitude, and Olivia suddenly felt guilty. She'd reprimanded Amanda many times, but this was the first time she'd really noticed the tears and pain in Amanda's eyes, and she almost regretted yelling at her.

* * *

Lieutenant Benson knew something was off with Amanda. Amanda seemed nervous, which was unlike her. She apologized multiple times, which was also unlike her. She clearly wasn't herself, and Olivia began to wonder if maybe Fin and Carisi were correct when they said this case was hard on Amanda.

Benson had never been called out on the way she treated Amanda. She'd never found anything wrong with it. She'd always felt like it was justified. Now, she wondered how many times Fin and Carisi had bit their tongues while she reprimanded Amanda. If they hadn't said something today, Olivia likely would've never noticed that pain in Amanda's face. Olivia never spoke to Fin and Carisi the way she spoke to Amanda. Of course, Fin and Carisi never acted out the way Amanda did. Even so, Olivia began to wonder if maybe - just maybe- she was taking out bad moods, stress, and frustrations on her youngest detective. Maybe she thought Amanda could handle it, not that it made it right, of course. Maybe she had been a bit harsh on her detective. She supposed she hadn't needed to speak to Amanda with the tone, volume, or choice of words she often used when reprimanding the youngest detective. Maybe she had been a bit of a bully to her youngest detective. Sure, Amanda acted out often, but did she really deserve to be reduced to tears? It took a lot to make the blonde detective upset, and to have her in tears, Olivia had to have really been going hard on her. Amanda didn't break easily, and Olivia couldn't help but wonder if it was because she had unknowingly bullying the younger detective or if something else was going on. Maybe both?

Benson exited her office. As she approached the desks of her hardworking squad, she noticed Amanda tensed up. However, the blonde kept her eyes trained on her computer screen. Olivia could see that her eyes were still puffy, though the detective had stopped crying an hour ago. Amanda could feel Olivia behind her, and it was making her uncomfortable. She knew Olivia was looking to find a mistake Amanda made so she could continue to degrade and humiliate her.

"Nice work on getting Reese to agree to testify," Benson stated, her tone kinder than the one she'd used an hour ago. Amanda was too lost in her own thoughts to register her lieutenant's words.

"Amanda?" Olivia called. Amanda flinched, snapping out of her thoughts, and glanced at her boss.

"Oh, sorry," Amanda apologized quietly.

"I was just saying nice job on convincing Reese to testify. Once I call Barba, we'll be able to move forward with the case," Olivia explained, surprised and concerned that Amanda had apologized again. Amanda only nodded.

"Amanda, can I see you in my office, please?" Olivia asked. Amanda's face went pale, and her stomach twisted with anxiety. Olivia noticed the nervous look in Amanda's eyes. The two entered the lieutenant's office.

"Look, I'm really sorry I was late today. I promise it won't happen again. Please, don't yell again," Amanda apologized, her words sounding like a plea. Was Olivia's own detective really begging her not to yell? Had she been that cold towards her youngest detective?

"I didn't call you in here about being late," Olivia said, her tone sympathetic.

"Then, what did I do this time?" Amanda asked, sounding defeated.

Olivia didn't say anything at first. She simply observed her detective. Amanda looked so tired, and Olivia figures she likely hadn't slept in days. Amanda looked thinner, and Olivia recalled Amanda declining doughnuts Carisi had brought for the squad the last couple of times. Amanda looked vulnerable, and Olivia remembered how many times Amanda apologized today. Amanda looked liked a shell of the detective she was four days ago. Perhaps, this case _had_ been hard on Amanda.

"You didn't do anything," Olivia answered softly. Amanda looked confused. She was about to ask why she'd been brought into the office, but Chief Dodds knocked on the door.

"Come in," Olivia granted. The deputy chief of NYPD entered, and Olivia noticed her detective shrink back a little bit.

_Is this why I was called in here? Is Chief Dodds wanting to make this go away? He's here to hurt me, isn't here? _Amanda thought to herself. She inhaled a shaky breath.

"W-why-why is he here?" Amanda stuttered out, terrified. Had Lieutenant Benson called him in to hurt Amanda? She would never do that. Then again, Amanda never thought her captain would hurt her either. She really couldn't trust anyone. Olivia couldn't understand why Amanda seemed so scared, but the chief started talking before she could address it.

"I heard that young detective from APD is willing to testify," Chief Dodds began without a greeting.

"M-maybe I should go," Rollins stated, getting up to leave.

"You really think he's good for this?" Chief Dodds questioned the blonde. She hesitated to answer.

"There's a rape kit that shows DNA, and Taymor said she'd testify," Olivia started, hoping the chief wouldn't stop their investigation.

"Before we go after a deputy chief, we need to be sure he's guilty," Chief Dodds explained.

"Rollins already said she believes Reese," Olivia reminded him.

"You're sure?" Chief Dodds asked the younger detective.

"Patton's good for this," Amanda confirmed, her voice slightly shaking.

"You already call the ADA?" Chief Dodds asked the lieutenant.

"I was getting ready to," Benson answered.

"Get on it. And be ready to put up a fight," Chief Dodds warned her.

"Patton's a rapist, and he's going down," Benson declared. The chief nodded and exited the office. Benson looked at her young detective.

"You okay?" she asked.

"It's a tough case," Amanda answered.

"I know this must be hard seeing your former chief turn out to be like this," Benson tried to comfort her.

"It's hard for a lot of reasons," Amanda vaguely responded.

"Did Patton ever act inappropriately when you worked for him?" Olivia questioned. Amanda's breath caught in her throat.

"I-um- I-I don't know," Amanda stumbled over her words. She couldn't say yes because Benson would question her further, and she couldn't say no because she'd already stated Patton was good for this.

"But you do know he's good for this?" Benson asked.

"I-um-I... I... Y-yes, he's good for this," Amanda managed to get out. The lieutenant noticed Amanda was growing uncomfortable, so she decided to leave it for now.

"Okay. Thank you, Rollins," Olivia dismissed her. As Amanda started to leave, Olivia called her name.

"I'm sorry if I was too harsh with you earlier," Olivia vaguely apologized. Amanda shrugged.

"It was my own fault."

"Even so, I didn't have to let the rest of the squad hear that conversation," Olivia stated sheepishly.

"It could be worse," Amanda mumbled before exiting her lieutenant's office. It _had _been worse with Patton. Olivia may have thought she'd been harsh on Amanda, but at least Olivia had never hit her or used other physical force on her. Besides, Amanda deserved whatever Olivia said to her and however Olivia said it, didn't she?

_What does she mean by that? _Olivia wondered.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/n: Hi, guys! I hope you enjoy this chapter! Comments, suggestions, observations, and reviews are always welcomed! Thank you for reading! :)**

* * *

A few days had passed since Reese Taymor agreed to testify. Deputy Chief Patton was arrested, arraigned, and released on bail within two days of Reese agreeing to testify. A date would be set within the next week or so to begin trial. The squad was ready to see Patton behind bars. They were determined to win this case.

Amanda Rollins was clearly not herself. She was apologizing often, and she always seemed nervous. She kept her head down and did her best to stay out of trouble. Lieutenant Benson was well aware that something was wrong with Amanda, but she didn't know what. She got the feeling that she was the one making Amanda nervous, though she knew there had to be something else to it. She tried to be softer around Amanda, and she held back from reprimanding her so much. The longer Olivia went without lecturing Amanda, the more she realized she'd really been a bully to the young blonde. She started paying more attention to her youngest detective, and she realized how hard Amanda was trying to keep her happy. It wasn't just about trying to follow rules; Amanda was trying not to make Olivia angry. Had Olivia frightened her that much? She hadn't even realized.

Of course, Benson was the least of Amanda's worries. Sure, Amanda was trying to keep Olivia happy. However, Amanda was constantly reliving the horrors Deputy Chief Patton put her through. Her anxiety was terrible, and she didn't want anyone to scream at her. She just wanted everything to calm down. Her entire world felt so out of control.

Even so, an angry Benson was far better than an angry Patton. Benson may have crushed Amanda's self esteem even more than it already was, but Benson never laid a hand on Amanda. Benson never forced Amanda into her office late at night, when no one was around. Benson never made Amanda fear for her physical safety. As difficult as things could be at NYPD, Amanda was grateful to be there. She viewed Olivia as being the best boss ever, simply because Olivia never physically harmed Amanda. Verbally? Yes. But physically, Amanda wasn't unsafe with Olivia, and Amanda would always be grateful for that. She loved working in NYPD's Special Victims Unit, especially in comparison to APD.

* * *

_ She hesitantly approached Captain Reynolds' office. Two days had passed since she'd been handcuffed and raped by both her deputy chief and captain. She was terrified. Every time she was around Captain Reynolds, she fought back tears. He could see the constant fear in her eyes. He knew she carefully thought out her every move around him. He had never felt so guilty in his life. To make things worse, he knew she wouldn't report him, and while he was relieved about that, he felt horrible that she was so scared of him._

_She knocked on the door to his office and hoped he wouldn't be angry or in a bad mood. She hoped he wouldn't handcuff her and abuse her. He wouldn't hurt her during work hours when others were around, would he? She hoped he would give in to her request. She was so afraid of what would continue to happen to her if he didn't._

_"Come in," Captain Reynolds granted. She shakily entered his office. He could tell how terrified she was. It was odd to see his toughest detective so afraid. _

_"You can shut the door," he told her softly. Tears welled up in her eyes, and she tried to keep them at bay. _

_"Please, don't make me," she whispered, a tear sliding down her face. With Patton, a closed door meant she was about to be abused, and she was terrified a closed door meant the same thing with Reynolds. Guilt hit the captain again. He wasn't trying to scare her._

_"No, no, no. I'm not going to make you do anything, Amanda. You don't have to close the door if you don't want to," he quickly assured her. He wanted her to feel comfortable, though he knew she was far from it. Had she really expected him to hurt her? Leaving the door opened, she nervously approached his desk. _

_"What can I do for you, Darlin'?" Captain Reynolds wondered. Amanda flinched at the pet name, causing Reynolds to feel even worse. She hesitated before swallowing and speaking._

_"C-can I have the p-papers to request a tr-transfer?" Amanda asked, her voice quiet and weak. _

_"Amanda," he began, ready to talk her out of it. He didn't want her feeling like she needed to flee from APD, though he couldn't think of a good enough reason she shouldn't transfer. Why should she have to stay here and be abused?_

_"Please, please. I-I swear I won't tell anyone anything. P-please. I-I don't want to stay here. I c-can't t-take it anymore. Please," she begged, her voice shaking. Tears began falling from her eyes. _

_"Even if I were to approve the transfer, the deputy chief has to sign off, and I don't think he will," he told her truthfully. He knew Patton wouldn't want to let his current victim leave the department. A soft sob escaped her mouth as she sat down in a chair._

_"Please. Isn't there anything you can do? I just want it to stop. Please. Can't you talk to him?" Amanda pleaded, tears falling faster. She couldn't stay there. She didn't want to be abused. _

_Wanting to comfort his detective, he stood up from his desk and approached her. She flinched and jumped up from her chair. He gave her a sad look. She backed away, terrified he was going to assault her. Again._

_"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I won't ask again. I'll leave," Amanda quickly spoke. Another sob escaped her mouth as realization set in. She wasn't going to get a transfer. She was stuck at APD. She was going to continue being sexually abused, and there was nothing she could do about it. No one was willing to help her. _

_"No, hang on a second," he told her, gently grabbing her arm. She flinched and yelped at the contact. She jumped away from him, desperately not wanting to be touched._

_"Please, don't hurt me," she squeaked. She decided she'd made the wrong decision asking him for help again. What was she thinking entering her captain's office not long after he raped her? What did she expect to happen?_

_"I won't. I won't," he tried to assure her. He never wanted to hurt her again._

_"I-I'm sorry I even asked. I-I shouldn't have. Please, please, don't tell P-Patton. Please," she whimpered. She didn't even want to know what consequences she'd have to face if Patton learned she was trying to escape his abuse. _

_Captain Reynolds didn't say anything. He simply stared at his young detective, hating himself for taking part in sexually abusing her. He raped her, and he'd live with that for the rest of his life. He'd never be able to get her cries out of his head. He'd never forget the look of absolute terror on her face as he betrayed her that night. Patton may have her too scared to report either of them, but if she ever did say something, Reynolds silently decided that he would tell the truth and stand by her. Of course, he was certain that day would never come. Amanda was too afraid of her abusers to do anything about it. _

_Amanda hurried out of Reynolds' office and back to her own desk. She wiped her tears and tried to hide her obvious discomfort from those around her. She continuously looked over her shoulder. Whenever Reynolds showed his face, Amanda shrank back in her seat. She was terrified that Reynolds was going to tell Patton she requested a transfer. For the rest of the day, every time her phone rang, she feared it was Patton calling to tell her she was going to be in trouble and to be in his office after work. That call didn't come though. _

_As Amanda was gathering her things to go home for the day, Captain Reynolds approached her desk. She figured he was going to force her into his office and abuse her, and she slowly backed away. She wondered if it was worth it to run. She didn't want to have her clothes taken off. She didn't want to have sex. She didn't want to be touched. When Reynolds saw the fear in her eyes, he put his hands up to indicate he meant no harm._

_"It's okay. I just wanted to give you these," Reynolds explained, setting the papers on her desk. She slowly reached for them and saw they were transfer papers. She gave him a confused look._

_"Get those filled out. I'll talk to Patton, and we'll get you transferred," Reynolds told her. _

_He did nothing when he first suspected that his youngest detective might be being sexually abused by the deputy chief. He hadn't stopped the abuse when she bravely reported it to him. Instead, he joined in on it and further traumatized her. He felt so guilty for allowing the abuse to happen and taking part it in. The least he could do, he figured, was help her get out of it now via transfer. _

_"Really?" Amanda asked in disbelief. He nodded at her. She looked the papers again, hardly believing her eyes._

_"Thank you," she whispered, relieved that she had a chance to escape Patton. He gave her a small smile. Her phone suddenly rang, and she froze for a moment before answering it._

_"Rollins," she stated, trying to keep her voice from trembling. She knew it was Patton. _

_"Darlin, why don't you stop by my office before heading out?" the sickening voice requested. Amanda swallowed hard._

_"A-actually, Sir, I'm just leaving now if that's okay with you. It-it's been a long day," she began, her voice shaking. Reynolds' heart sank as he noticed his detective was uncontrollably shaking. She gave Reynolds a fearful look. They both knew she was minutes away from being raped._

_"Now, Amanda, you know I don't take no for answer," he told her. She knew he was smirking. She didn't respond. She just stared into space, her eyes wide and fearful._

_"I'll see you in five minutes," he stated before hanging up. _

_Captain Reynolds looked at Amanda sympathetically. Tears were welling up in her eyes. She had to go to Patton's office or else Patton would punish her the next time he saw her. There was no getting out of it. She started taking quick, deep, shaky breaths, and Reynolds realized she was beginning to hyperventilate. She was having an anxiety attack. She felt like throwing up. Tears began sliding down her face._

_"Amanda," was all Reynolds could think to say._

_"Are-are you going to his office too?" she sobbed, terrified she was going to be abused by two men again. _

_"No. I'm not, Darlin'," he told her, mentally kicking himself when Amanda flinched at the pet name. She inhaled a shaky breath._

_"It's going to be over soon. I can have you transferred within the month," he tried to comfort her._

_He didn't seem to understand. A month wasn't a short period of time. That was still thirty days of being called into Patton's office, having her clothes forcefully removed, and being pushed over his desk and handcuffed. That was another thirty days of being touched, hit, and raped. That was thirty more days of being abused. _

_She continued to panic as she finished grabbing her things. Reynolds so badly wanted to step in and stop this from happening. He felt helpless, and he hated himself for it. He had the power to stop it, but he was too much of a coward to stand up to Patton. _

_He watched her walk in the direction that lead to Patton's office. A part of him wanted to call for help and rescue Amanda. He knew Patton would easily disarm her, and he wanted to run into Patton's office with his own gun and make him get off of his detective. He wanted to go back in time and actually report Patton when Amanda came to him for help. He wanted to take back the night he held her down and raped her. He wanted to do something to make this right. After a few minutes, the coward decided to go home. He passed by Patton's office on his way out of the precinct, and he could hear Amanda's soft cries. He heard a loud crack and knew the young blonde had been slapped across the face, probably for crying too much. On his way home, instead of making a left, Reynolds made a right and headed to the bar. _

_The next day at work, Reynolds noticed a broken and defeated look in Amanda's eyes. There was a light bruise on her cheek. The bruise faded within the week, but the broken and defeated look in her eyes remained until after she transferred out of APD. _

* * *

The case was becoming increasingly difficult for Amanda Rollins. She tried to distance herself as much as she could, and that did not go unnoticed by Carisi, Fin, or even Benson. ADA Barba tried prying Amanda for more details about Deputy Chief Patton. He wanted as much information as he could gather about the deputy chief in order to ensure they win trial. However, he noticed Amanda seemed to be holding back details. He wanted to call her to the stand in order to make her tell a jury what a predator this guy was, but she was adamant about not testifying. Still, that didn't stop the ADA. He believed Amanda's testimony with Reese's could be enough to convince a jury that Patton was a rapist. Though Amanda wasn't calling the incident she had described to the squad a rape, Barba felt there was more to the story.

"I don't want to testify against Patton," Amanda told him for the third time in the half hour they'd been practicing. She knew there would be consequences if she testified.

"That's not your call," Barba responded. The blonde rolled her eyes.

"Why am I even here? I've testified before," Amanda sighed.

"I know you've testified before, but it wasn't about your own assault," Barba retorted.

"I never said it was an assault," Amanda quickly declared.

"You never said it wasn't," Barba told her. He was a good lawyer, and whether or not Amanda admitted it, he knew Amanda was most likely a victim, even if she didn't view herself as one. Amanda glared at him.

"Regardless, we need to practice in case the judge lets you testify," Barba further explained. He needed to make sure Amanda had a solid and credible testimony.

"Hey, sorry I'm late," Olivia stated, entering the courtroom.

"Why is she here?" Amanda asked, frustration in her voice. The implications that the lieutenant wasn't wanted in the courtroom hurt a bit, but Olivia brushed aside such feelings.

"I thought you'd feel better practicing with a friend in the room," Barba explained. Amanda rolled her eyes and held back a dry laugh at the idea of her being friends with Benson. Didn't Benson despise her?

Truthfully, Barba knew the two weren't exactly friends. However, he also knew that nobody knew the real story about Amanda and Patton, and he thought a lieutenant should be present for a potential disclosure. He'd been doing this for a long time, and while Amanda said it wasn't an attack, Barba had a strong feeling she was lying.

"Okay. Whatever. Let's just get this over with," Amanda sighed.

"Now, you earlier talked about the night the defendant called you into his office, asking for sex in exchange for a chance at becoming sergeant. Was that night the first time he called you into his office asking for sex?" Barba asked.

Amanda hesitated to answer. Saying yes would be untruthful because Patton never asked for sex. He demanded it. He had held her down and forced her. She was never asked, even on the night in question. Still, she couldn't exactly say no because it wasn't the first she was called into his office for sex.

"Detective Rollins?" Barba asked after a few seconds with no response.

Multiple nights that Patton abused her in his office flooded her mind. She could feel the pain of the slaps and punches from when she cried too loud or struggled too much. She could taste him in her mouth. She could feel his disgusting touch all over her body.

"Amanda, you okay?" Benson asked, her voice gentle. She noticed Amanda's face had gone pale, and she beginning to breathe harder. Amanda fought back the tears that were welling up in her eyes.

"I'm fine," Amanda finally responded after a few seconds. Barba gave Benson a concerned look.

"Was that night the first time he called you into his office asking for sex? Remember, you'll be under oath, Detective," Barba repeated. He had a feeling they were about to hear the truth. Amanda swallowed.

"I-I don't want to answer that qu-question. Just skip it," Amanda responded, trying to brush it off.

"We can't skip it. We have to cover our bases," Barba told her.

"Well, I'm not sure how to answer it!" Amanda snapped, anxiety evident in her shaky voice.

"It's a yes or no question, Amanda," Olivia told her, her voice still gentle.

"No, it's not!" Amanda said, exasperated.

"What do you mean?" Barba asked. Amanda didn't respond.

"Amanda, you have to answer," Barba urged.

"I don't want to talk about it!" Amanda stated desperately.

"It's not your call. What do you mean it's not a yes or no question?" Barba persisted. Tears welled up in Amanda's eyes again, and she didn't bother holding them back this time.

"He never asked me," she admitted, her voice quiet and scared.

"What?" Barba asked, confusion written on his face.

"He never asked me," she repeated, her voice still quiet and scared.

"He never asked you what?" Barba questioned, not understanding what Amanda was saying.

"For sex," she whispered. Benson's eyes went wide, and her heart sank as she realized what Amanda was struggling to say.

"He never asked you for sex?" Barba repeated.

"It-it w-wasn't the first time he called me into his office for s-s-sex. But he-he didn't a-ask for s-s-sex that night or any other night. He n-never a- asked when h-he t-t-touched me. He-he just did what he wanted," Amanda whimpered, finally answering the question. Her body was trembling. Her voice was shaking so bad it took a second for Barba and Benson to register what Amanda said. Olivia's heart broke as she realized her youngest detective was disclosing sexual abuse.

"He raped you?" Barba asked. Amanda flinched at the word "raped" before nodding her head, ashamed and afraid.

"How long did it go on for?" Barba continued. A sob escaped from the young blonde's mouth.

"S-s-several m-months."

"Did anyone else know?"

Amanda nodded. When asked who else knew, Amanda shook her head. She'd already given up Patton, and she was too scared to give up her other abuser.

"The person who knew. Did he also abuse you?" Barba questioned. Amanda gulped.

"A-a f-few t-times," Amanda admitted. Captain Reynolds had abused her a total of four times, and one of those times was rape.

"Amanda, we need to know his name," Olivia stated. Her voice was gentle, but firm.

"No! It doesn't matter!" Amanda cried. She desperately wanted this to be over.

"How long did the other guy abuse you?" Barba continued.

"A-about a m-month," Amanda whimpered.

"Was he with Patton?" Olivia asked. Amanda nodded.

"So it was another officer? The men abused you at the same time," Barba inferred. Amanda felt like throwing up. She knew they were getting closer to knowing the whole story. She hadn't expected them to figure this out, much less so quickly.

"Was he a superior?" Barba asked. Amanda let out a whimper, which Barba took as a yes.

"Was it Captain Reynolds?"

Amanda started sobbing hysterically. They knew. They knew who her abusers were. She wasn't supposed to tell though. She was going to be in so much trouble when Patton and Reynolds find out.

"Amanda, are you saying that Patton and Reynolds sexually abused and raped you?" Barba asked, needing the confirmation, but also shocked. Amanda nodded. Her body was still trembling, and she couldn't stop crying.

"Y-yes."


	6. Chapter 6

**A/n: hi, guys! Comments, suggestions, and observations are welcomed! What do you think? What do you want to see happen? Thank you for reading! :)**

* * *

_She had attempted to run away from him. She didn't even get out of his office though before he grabbed her arm and yanked her back. She was crying and struggling as he forced her back to his desk, pleading for him not to hurt her. _

_"Now, Peach, you know better than that," he snarled. He slapped her across the face, causing her to whimper. He shoved her to the ground and licked his lips. _

_She flinched as he reached for her blouse. He chuckled at her fear before removing the blouse from her body. She struggled at first, but he slapped her again. _

_"Stop struggling," he growled. Once her clothes were taken off, he tossed them aside and unzipped his pants. _

_"Please, don't. Please, don't," she begged, tears streaming down her face. He pinned her to the floor and forced himself inside of her. _

_He finally got off of her after what felt like forever. She crawled towards her clothes, desperate to cover herself._

_"I didn't say we were done," he told her. He watched his young detective curl up in a ball as she begged him to leave her alone. He grabbed her and pushed her over his desk. He handcuffed her, so that she was bent over his desk and restrained from struggling too much. _

_For the next hour, he continued to touch her and take pictures. She cried the entire time. She wished for someone to come in and stop this from continuing. She feared the humiliation that would follow if someone were to see her in such a vulnerable position, but at least the abuse would be over. At least she would be safe. _

_Safe._

_She hadn't felt safe in a long time._

_He finally took the handcuffs off of her, and she immediately moved away from the desk. She grabbed her clothes and hastily dressed herself. Patton laughed as he zipped up his pants. He approached Amanda, and she backed into the corner, not knowing where else to go. He grabbed her face and smirked before slapping her again. He held her face and began kissing her. She wouldn't kiss back, which angered him. He squeezed her thigh as hard as he could, and she yelped._

_"Kiss me," he demanded. When she finally kissed back, he released his painful grip on her thigh. _

_"I'll see you tomorrow, Darlin'," he smiled, letting go of the young blonde. He laughed at the fear in her eyes. As she was leaving his office, he called her back._

_"And remember, don't tell anyone about the two of us. You think you have it tough now? You don't. But you will if anyone ever finds out about us. Besides, it's not like anyone would ever believe you over me, so it's best for you to just keep your mouth shut."_

_She had no plans to report him. She could barely deal with his abuse now. She didn't want to know how much worse it could get if she told anyone. It's not like anyone would believe her anyway._

_At home, Amanda showered until she felt like she couldn't stand up anymore. She used so much soap, but she still didn't feel clean. It had been two weeks since she last felt clean._

* * *

Amanda wanted to be dead. She was sure that being dead was a lot better than whatever Deputy Chief Patton and Captain Reynolds were going to do her for reporting them. She figured they would know by morning, and once they did, she was going to have to pay. She could already envision herself being handcuffed while they took turns beating and raping her. They had promised her it would be worse if she ever reported them, and she really didn't know how it could possibly be worse. All she knew was she didn't want to live long enough to find out how much worse it could be. She regretted letting it slip that she had been abused by her superiors. When Barba asked her if she'd ever been asked for sex before by Patton, she should've just said no. She should've just lied and moved on with it. She wondered how stupid she had to be to have let such details slip.

ADA Rafael Barba hadn't seen that coming. He expected for Amanda to admit to being raped that night in Patton's office. That's all he suspected. He wasn't prepared for the usually tough detective to have an anxiety attack as she vaguely told about being sexually abused by two of her superiors for months. Amanda was in hysterics over releasing a few vague details. Barba wondered what horrors she must've been put through to be so freaked out over a few vague details that hardly helped the case. Barba worried about how terrible the specific details must be.

Lieutenant Benson was shocked. She hadn't expected any of this. She expected Amanda to tell about exchanging sex for a sergeant position, and that's it. She had no idea that Amanda was raped that night and that it wasn't an exchange. Of course, an exchange would've still been bad, but at least it would've been consensual. Olivia felt guilty, knowing she'd been anything but kind to her youngest detective. She began to ponder all the little signs she missed and the ways she made things worse, but she quickly decided to come back to that another time. Right now, her detective was broken and scared, and Olivia needed to help her.

Amanda was still sitting on the witness stand. She was trembling and rocking herself back and forth. Tears were streaming down her face, and sobs were leaving her mouth. She was tensed up. She was begging the ADA and the lieutenant to forget what she said.

"Amanda, we can't just forget that," Olivia finally told her.

"No! You have to! It'll be worse if you don't!" Amanda yelled.

"Amanda, did they threaten you?" Olivia asked.

"Never mind! Forget it! I take it back!" Amanda cried.

"It's a little late for that," Barba responded.

"No, forget it. I-I lied. I-I m-made it up. Y-you kn-know me, L-Lieu-Lieutenant. I-I'm a liar. I-I c-can't be tr-trusted," Amanda whimpered desperately. She was hoping Olivia would believe she was lying and scream at her. That would be way better than any repercussions from Patton and Reynolds.

"Amanda, you're not lying. We believe you. We know they abused you," Olivia said, her voice gentle. She started approaching the witness stand. Amanda was taking uneven, shaky breaths.

Olivia was taken back by how scared her youngest detective was. No wonder Amanda acted out so much. She had to released that anxiety somehow. Olivia gently grabbed Amanda's hand, and Amanda flinched back.

"I'm not going to hurt you," Olivia promised, grabbing Amanda's hand again.

"All right. Liv, I think it'd be best if you took Amanda back to the precinct and took a statement. Then, we can talk," Barba decided.

"That's a good idea. Amanda, let's go, honey," Olivia softly commanded.

"I-I'm n-not m-making a st-statem-ment," Amanda whimpered.

"Why don't we go back to the precinct first, okay? One step at a time," Olivia told her. Amanda pulled away.

"N-no, I-I d-don't w-want to," Amanda managed to get out.

"Regardless, let's go back to the precinct and take a breather," Olivia persisted. Amanda reluctantly agreed. She sensed the desperation in Olivia's voice and feared it might turn into anger. She decided it was best to obey her.

"Amanda, I am so sorry this happened to you. I'm going to win this, and they're both going down for what they did to you. They will not get away with it," Barba promised her.

"You don't know them. They get away with everything," Amanda whispered.

* * *

She was sitting in the interview room, rocking back and forth. Her eyes were puffy, and tears were still making their way down her face. Though she was more calm than she had been in the courtroom, her breathing was still shaky and uneven. She was staring into space, reliving past trauma and fearing what the future would hold. She knew it wasn't safe to say anymore. She'd already said far too much, and now, all she wanted to do was retract it.

Lieutenant Benson was sitting across from Amanda. She'd been trying to get the younger detective to go into detail about Patton and Reynolds, but Amanda wouldn't speak about it. If Amanda did speak, it was just a stutter before she changed her mind and closed her mouth.

To say Lieutenant Benson felt guilty was an understatement. She reprimanded and berated her youngest detective on multiple occasions, often taking her bad moods out on the blonde. She had the young blonde in tears many times, and she never felt bad when she'd been too harsh with the young blonde. Amanda had shown a few signs of being a victim of sexual abuse in her years at SVU. Benson overlooked every sign though. Amanda tensed when touched. She was quick to get defensive, and while Benson used to look at that as acting out, she now figured it was likely a defense mechanism. Much of the youngest detective's attitudes could now be linked with anxiety. Benson recalled one time that Amanda tried to bring up the sexual abuse not long after transferring. Amanda said it was nothing worth pursuing, though it seemed like she still wanted to talk about it. Olivia brushed it off at the time, and now, she wished she had continued the conversation. She never so much as gave Amanda the time of day. No wonder the detective hadn't confided in her before. Benson wondered whether or not Amanda would've spoken up sooner if only she'd been kinder to her.

"Okay, Amanda, I understand you don't want to talk about this. But is there anything at all you feel comfortable saying? We know you were abused by Patton and Reynolds. That's not a secret anymore. And we're going to pursue this. Trust me, this is something worth pursuing," Olivia told her. Her tone was serious, and her voice was gentle. Amanda shook her head.

"N-no, it's not," Amanda whispered. She hugged her knees to her chest. Olivia chose to disregard that statement for now. Instead, she wanted to continue prying for details.

"How did Captain Reynolds find out you were being abused by Patton?" Olivia asked. It seemed like a safe enough question.

"I-I t-told h-him. I-I th-thought he... I thought he would help me," she whimpered.

"That was brave of you to report it," Olivia tried to convince her. Amanda scoffed.

"No, it was stupid. He-he promised he'd help me. And instead, he was in the office with P-P-Patton that night," Amanda told her. She sounded angry and broken.

"Was he in the office each time after that?"

"No. Just a few times," she sighed.

"Did he-did r-rape you each time?" Benson hesitantly asked.

"Wh-which one?"

"Reynolds."

"N-no. J-just o-once."

"And the other times?"

"H-h-He t-t-touched me. P-pinned me d-down. C-cuffed me. T-took-took p-p-pictures," Amanda answered. A humiliated sob escaped her mouth, and she buried her face in her hands.

"They took pictures of you?" Olivia questioned. Amanda looked up and nodded her head, ashamed. She sniffled.

"Did-did Patton r-rape you each time?" Olivia was struggling to continue. Amanda swallowed before shaking her head.

"No. But n-ninety-nine p-percent of the t-time, when I was called to h-his o-office, I-I was r-r-raped."

"Oh, Amanda. I'm so sorry."

"Do-do we have to-c-can we stop?" Amanda asked.

"It'd be really helpful if we could keep going," Olivia told her.

"But I don't want to talk about it. I'm-I'm n-not supposed to."

"Did they threaten you, Amanda?"

"I-I d-don't want to talk about it anymore."

"Amanda, we really need to get your full statement," Olivia softly explained.

"I don't want to. I-I w-won't t-testify. It's not like the j-judge will allow it anyway. Let's just forget about it," Amanda tried to sound firm, but it sounded more like a plea. She stood up from the table and began walking out of the interview room.

"Amanda, please, just a few more questions," Olivia urged.

"No, I don't want to talk about this. J-just leave me alone," Amanda snapped. She exited the room, and Olivia followed her.

"Hey, Amanda," Carisi smiled, not filled in on what happened. She didn't respond, and he noticed she looked upset.

"Amanda, you okay?" he asked, gently touching her shoulder.

"Don't t-touch me!" Amanda yelled. She made eye contact with Benson before turning and leaving the precinct.

"Is she okay?" Carisi asked.

* * *

She was curled up on her couch, sobbing. An empty bottle of wine, which was full an hour ago, was sitting on the coffee table. She was tormented by the fear of what Patton and Reynolds were going to do to her once it was revealed that she reported them. She hoped that if she refused to press charges they would never even find out. She wished she could wake up to find that this had all been a terrible nightmare.

Memories continued to flood her mind, causing her to remember all of the cruel acts that had been forced upon her. She could see the flashes from the camera as they photographed her in vulnerable positions. She could taste _him_. She could hear the sound of pants being unzipped. She could feel their disgusting hands roughly touching her all over her body. She could feel the burning and soreness between her legs. She could feel the sting from numerous slaps and the blow from punches. She was reliving the torture she'd been put through for eight months. Her mind felt like a prison for which she had a life sentence.

_He had her cornered in his office. It wasn't the first time, and the frightened detective knew it wouldn't be the last time. She felt like they were in some animal documentary, in which he was the predator, and she was the prey. He smirked as he revealed the handcuffs. She let out a whimper, and he grabbed her._

_"P-please, d-don't. Please, don't. P-please, d-d-don't," she begged. He pushed her over the desk and cuffed her. She struggled against the restraints, though she knew it would do her no good. _

_He began feeling up her entire body. She cried loudly until he banged her head against the desk as a warning to shut up. Then, her cries were silent. After groping her for a minute, he began removing her clothes. _

_"P-please, d-don't," she continued to plead. Once her clothes were removed, he forced himself inside of her. _

_Once he was done with her for the night, he took the handcuffs off of her. He laughed at how red and raw her wrists were, both from the cuffs being too tight and from her struggling so much. Grabbing her face, he kissed her. He raised his hand, smirking when she cowered back, and slapped her across the face._

_"Ow!" she whimpered, trying to back away from him. He slapped her again and pushed her back over the desk._

_"You should know by now to kiss me back!" he bellowed._

_"I-I'm s-sorry!" she cried. He slapped her again. She tried to get up and was punched in the stomach. He grabbed her face and kissed her again. This time, she kissed back, terrified of worsening the situation._

* * *

_She was sitting in the corner, crying. It was the second time that Captain Reynolds was in the office with Patton. Captain Reynolds casted Amanda sympathetic looks, while Patton smirked and taunted her about the things they planned to do to her. The deputy chief nodded at Reynolds, who then grabbed Amanda._

_"P-please, d-don't t-touch m-me," she whimpered._

_"Oh, do you mean like this?" Patton taunted, squeezing Amanda's thigh. She yelped in pain._

_"Shut up," Patton growled._

_"P-please, d-don't h-hurt m-me," she begged._

_"Didn't he just tell you to shut up?" Reynolds spat in her face. He tightened his grip on the detective, causing her face to twist in pain. _

_"I'm sorry," she sobbed, her voice shaking. Her body was trembling. _

_Reynolds shoved Amanda to the ground, and Patton climbed on top of her. The flash of a camera hurt Amanda's eyes._

* * *

_She wasn't fighting. Not this time anyway. He had her pinned to the ground, not that he really needed to pin her though. After he beat her ten minutes before, she knew there was no point in fighting. Her body was too weak, so she just took it. He shoved himself inside of her, and she whimpered in pain. She didn't beg him to stop; she knew he wouldn't. She didn't struggle; it would do her no good. Instead, she tried to keep her cries quiet so he wouldn't hit her for being too loud. She counted the tiles on the ceiling, usually losing track after a few. She tried to imagine herself anywhere but this office. When he finally got off of her, she realize this was her reality. She could imagine herself anywhere she wanted, but it wouldn't change the fact that this was her reality. _

_"I'll see you tomorrow, Peach," he'd tell her. He'd also often remind her that she couldn't say anything about her situation and that nobody would believe her word over his. He loved reiterating the fact that she had no way out of this situation, that she was powerless._

* * *

"You'll have to try again tomorrow," Barba told her, as if it were so simple to get the young blonde's statement. He knew it wasn't, but that didn't change the objective truth that they needed her statement.

"Are you sure the judge will even let her testify? She didn't report this to begin with, and I don't want to put her through this if it's all for nothing. She's so adamant about not talking about it," Olivia explained. Barba thought for a moment. Then, it looked as though a lightbulb went off.

"You said she reported it to Reynolds," Barba pointed out.

"So?"

"So she did report it. If we can get Reynolds to testify that Amanda _did_ report it, a judge will allow her testimony," Barba explained. He couldn't guarantee that, of course, but he was hopeful.

"Are you forgetting that Captain Reynolds _also_ abused Amanda? He won't testify against Patton," Olivia stated.

"So bring him in under the idea that you'll be talking about Detective Taymor and get him to confess that he knows Patton's abusive. I'll give him a deal for his testimony once we get to that point," Barba smirked.

"And if Amanda still won't testify?" Olivia challenged.

"We'll deal with that when we get there."


End file.
